Bully for Budleigh! | HumorOutcasts

Bully for Budleigh!

October 31, 2017
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Like humans, canines have been known to bully their own species, although they rarely steal lunch money and never send harassing texts due to the absence of thumbs.

Dog bullying can take many forms: overly aggressive play, merciless chasing, inappropriate growling, dunning phone calls, late night tweets, Congressional subcommittee hearings. In our home, dog bullying is exhibited in a hierarchical pack behavior that animal ethologists refer to as “passive-aggressive lying on top of a toy the other dog wants”….“ism”.

One would think that Budleigh’s the problem. He is, through no fault of his own, a terrier, so is always to be presumed guilty. Terriers are born with a handful of parking tickets and four ankle monitors. For convenience, most Giants name their terrier, “Bad Dog!”

But Budleigh is innocent-ish here, the victim of Nature’s Perfect Schnoodle, Brisby.

<b>Brisby protecting home, hearth, and booty taken in border raids.</b>

Brisby protecting home, hearth, and booty taken in border raids.

This might be a surprise to longtime readers who know Brisby as our pack’s kindly Christmas Wilfred Brimley elf, the gentle Belle to Budleigh’s Beast, the pet about whom Mother Teresa would say, “Gosh, I wish I had more dogs like Brisby. And fewer lepers.”

But Brisby has his dark side. Not Sith Lord dark. More like Comcast representative dark.

BUDLEIGH: “BrisbyBrisbyBrisby!”

BRISBY: “Good morning! How can I help you today?”

BUDLEIGH: “You’re laying on my tug-tug! Gimme my tug-tug!”

BRISBY: “I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having difficulty with the tug-tug. One moment, please, while I nap.”

BUDLEIGH: “That’s not fair! You’re supposed to give me whatever I want. Everybody has to give me what I want! Gimme, Brisbyyyyy!”

BRISBY: “Good morning! How can I help you today?”

Budleigh then deploys his Giants Attention-getting Device (Pat. Pending) – an anxious, pathetic whimper combined with a vexed stamping of his front paw and yawning. That’s also how Lassie would precisely explain that Timmy was down the well yet again, this time pinned under a John Deere combine harvester S-Series model, the one that features a robust 400-bushel grain tank. It’s a real honey!

You’d think that Budleigh could handle a bully. A homeless dog cruelly schooled in the ways of the street, finding shelter in a…well, shelter, gaining acceptance among other misfits. Classic West Side Story! He should know how to rumble. Or at least dance his way out of fight. But no, Budleigh’s plan is to stamp his little, white paw and yawn his way to the top of the pack.

So the Giants must step in.

Border disputes between dogs are best settled by Giant career diplomats trained in the use of bacon bits. With a little practice, alert Giants can defuse a tense confrontation between dogs before it escalates to an imposition of martial law and shutdown of free and fair elections.

Bullying cues to watch for in your dog include:
• Piloerection – a great word that sounds really dirty. However, it just refers to bristling of hair on the neck and back, a condition, coincidentally, that kept my Uncle Morris out of the army.

• Domineering posture, which includes ears forward, tail held rigid and high. Or ears back, tail flexible and low. Or one ear forward, and one ear back, tail to the left, then the tail to the right. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all a-BOUT!

• Slow stalking, crouching, staring, or other movement that might be construed as badgering the witness.

• Low growling, rumbling, or other vocalization similar to Clint Eastwood asking another dog if it’s a punk and if, indeed, it feels lucky.

Dog professionals suggest a number of effective training techniques for modifying bullying behavior, but you’re not planning to look into those, are you?

No, we didn’t think so. We’ve met your kids.

So, while you struggle with properly raising your children, the rest of us will return our attention to Brisby, who has been sleeping on top of Budleigh’s tug-tug toy for more than a page.

BUDLEIGH: “Hey, I need a human in here! Stat!”

GIANT TWO: “Dave, we’ve got a dog thing going on.”

GIANT ONE: “OK, gimme the sit-rep!”

GIANT TWO: “Well, Brisby’s on a toy Budleigh wants—”

BUDLEIGH: “It’s mine! Everything’s mine!”

GIANT TWO: “—and Brisby’s curling his lip at him.”

BRISBY: “Go ahead, make my day!”

GIANT ONE: “Alright, is Brisby displaying piloerection?”

GIANT TWO, BRISBY & BUDLEIGH: “Ewwww!”

GIANT ONE: “You know, neck fur? Is he stalking? Crouching? Snarling?”

GIANT TWO: “No, he’s just lying on the tug-tug.”

BUDLEIGH: “On MY tug-tug!”

GIANT ONE: “So just distract him with a cookie.”

BUDLEIGH: “And punish him! Make him suffer!”

GIANT TWO: “C’mere, Brisby! Off the tug-tug. C’mere! Aaaand down! Oh, good boy!”

BUDLEIGH: “Wait! Now he’s on my tug-ball! He’s on my tug-baaall!”

BRISBY: “Thank you for calling Comcast!”

Dave Jaffe

Writer, columnist, former Chicago reporter, humorist Dave Jaffe has written for online, print, television, and radio. Creative, clever, witty – these are traits that kept Dave in detention for most of the eighth grade. But as an adult those skills led to multiple award-winning columns and commentary, numerous published articles and essays, and even sketches for Bozo the Clown. Dave’s blog, Sleeping between Giants – which explores life, if you could call it that, with a terrier – received the 2018 and 2017 National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards for humor blogs. His work has twice been honored with Peter A. Lisagor awards by the Chicago Headline Club, and by the Parenting Publications of America.

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5 Responses to Bully for Budleigh!

  1. November 7, 2017 at 6:17 am

    “Terriers are born with a handful of parking tickets and four ankle monitors.” 😂🤣😂🤣 And I love the word piloerection.

  2. October 31, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    ah those terriers! They just think they rule the world!

    • November 1, 2017 at 3:26 pm

      Donna, what have you said? You know they check the internet! I don’t know her! I DON’T KNOW HER!

  3. October 31, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    If both dogs are dressed in costumes, does one feel humiliated and go into hiding while the other gets unlimited access to all the tug-tugs he wants?

    • November 1, 2017 at 3:45 pm

      Wow, Maria! That’s a deeply introspective and philosophical question for the boys. I’ll bet they give that some serious thought when they’re outside making and eating goose poop.



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