Guilt, Guilt and more Guilt

Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. It seems that I spend a ridiculous amount of my life attempting to alleviate it. Just today, it snowed and school was cancelled. Must be a real blizzard for them to cancel school, right? Not so fast, the snow turned out to be underwhelming, at least in our area. My spouse and I were called at 5am to tell us that our daughter had the day off. They couldn’t wait until 6? Like any other wiped out grown ups, we went back to bed. Relieved that I would not have to get up, I slept in, too. That was apparently just the food my guilt monster needed.

As usual, I was the last one up. There went my fantasy about making a family breakfast since my spouse was planning to work from home. My little video game addict was up and fed, with her face in a screen. For some reason, I had no energy. As we say at our house, that’s the problem with sleep, the more you get, the more you want. This being a Thursday, under normal circumstances I would have been up and functioning and getting ready to go to a class at my dojang. Classes begin at 11am and my spouse was home, a golden opportunity, right? Not really. I felt like roadkill and was working on my second vat of coffee. It was also a windy, balmy 20 degree day and the prospect of going out was right up there with sticking a fork in my eye.

In the meantime, my bouncy girl was up, dressed and decided to go see if one of her friends could play. It occurred to me that working from home is not so easy when you have a kid to watch. I decided to stay home and keep an eye on the my girl and her friend. I should have gone to class. This decision, I’m sure, will result in worldwide armageddon and my gaining 400 pounds. I’m also not one of those moms posting pictures of us outside “enjoying a snow day” on Facebook. For the love of God, what’s wrong with me??!! How dare you be warm at home in your sweats? Being a mom comes with a guilt monster, being a catholic mom gives the monster an extra head.

Since I’m home today, I should also be cleaning, setting up tax files, applying for a job and maybe even looking for places to send articles. At 2pm in the afternoon, I’m on my couch writing and listening to my television. I also just looked at my resume and the last time I did returns during tax season was three years ago. I should have gotten a job at a tax prep place rather than something part time year round and dare I say it, remotely enjoyable. How could you throw away your degree you selfish b**ch?

This whole guilt thing may even be contagious. My husband has been hemming and hawing most of the morning over whether he should have gone into his office. Five, count ‘em, five days ago he bought a new to him car. The car is a 2016 with low miles and set us back almost 20 thousand dollars. He was worried about driving it in sloppy weather. His commute is over an hour one way. Not a jury in the world would have convicted but he still felt like he should have gone in because allegedly he was the only one who didn’t come in that day. Some would argue maybe, that you have car insurance, so what’s the problem? It wasn’t their check that cleared the bank. I should also point out that the boy practically lives at his office. He gets calls on his personal cell on nights, weekends, and holidays. I feel like a single parent sometimes. If anyone has the right to work from home once in a while it’s him.

Can you have your guilt monster shot? Would it explode and leave a giant puddle of should? God knows it’s been fed enough.