People With Brains | HumorOutcasts

People With Brains

September 1, 2017

set top box plug connection

Today I am grateful for people with brains.  Especially if they are in Verizon Tech Support.  But boy, it takes a lot of digging around to find them.  Yes, my friends, as a total distraction to the hurricane and our elected officials tripping over their own tongues every day, I was given the gift of calling tech support.  (Drumroll, please!)


After four tries to get a human, my head splits open and a shrieking monster pops out.



Them:  Your call is very important to us. Please push 1 if you want Verizon equipment,   Push 2 to cancel your Verizon equipment, push 3 to implode your TV, push 4 to get tech support which you will never really get (haha), push 5 to create an international incident, push 6 to. . .oh hell we figured you’d hang up by now.  We don’t really have a 6 (haha).

Me:  Support!  Support!  Representative!  A human.  I want a human!!!

Them:  I did not understand your response.  Let’s try again.  Push. . .

Me:  Push this!  (obscene gesture)

Them:  I’m sorry, I still did not understand you.  Let me get someone to help you.

Me:  Why didn’t I think of that?

Roxanne:  Hello, my name is Roxanne, from Delaware, can I have your phone number, Verizon number, age, weight, age and weights of your children and any pets you might have and the exact date you began service with us and a list of your medications?

Me:  I’m at my wit’s end, Roxanne.  I’ve already talked with Anthony from Syracuse, Nicole from Trenton and Betty from Biloxi.  Anthony from Syracuse thought he had a fix for my problem. . .but no.

Roxanne:  I’m going to try and help you.

Me:  I might need more help than even you can give.  Can you get us a new election?

Roxanne:  Haha.  What is your Verizon question?


I spent a half an hour explaining to her that Anthony from Syracuse was going to fix our multi-room DVR situation by sending us three new set-top-boxes that all we’d have to do is disconnect the old and plug the new in.  Except the back of the main one is completely different from the old and the plugs don’t go in.


After another half hour, Roxanne from Delaware determines that the wrong box was sent.  She spends twenty minutes explaining how I can upgrade to the tune of $50, which she would waive.  Except I’d have to pay another $24 a month.


Me:  Roxanne, let me explain something to you.  I’m not getting the services I’m already paying for. Why would I pay more to continue to not get what I’m already paying for?  No thanks.  You should be paying me back for services I’m not getting.

Roxanne:  I understand, but I have to offer it to you.  Why did you get the new boxes.


I explain. . .again. . .how we are supposed to be able to record in one room, then play in another.  Multi-room DVR.  I have gained so much knowledge, yet not quite enough, that I am ready to work for them.


Roxanne:  I can show you how to re-boot.

Me:  Roxanne, I can show YOU how to re-boot!  I’ve done it a billion times.  I don’t even have to think about it anymore.  I can recite the process like singing Happy Birthday.

Roxanne:  Did Anthony run a diagnostic on your old box?

Me:  Sounds like a personal question, Roxanne.

Roxanne:  Ha-ha.  (But I don’t think she thinks I’m very funny.)

Me:  No, he didn’t.  Just sent three new ones, but I didn’t know I’d lose all of my recorded stuff and have plugs dangling all over because the back is different.

Roxanne:  Would you mind reconnecting your old box so that I can run a diagnostic?

Me:  How much time do you have?


Himself was already plenty pissed from sciatica and our last call to tech support and trying to watch some sporting thing in the other room.  Roxanne said she’d wait so I got him.  “Roxanne wants you to re-attach the old box so she can run a diagnostic,” I said, backing out of the room before the explosion.  I held the flashlight.  He cursed.  Roxanne got an education on the elderly.


Diagnostic run.  Old box is in better shape than the new piece-o-shit so we left it at that.  Then Roxanne from Delaware got us the money off I expected from Anthony from Syracuse but he wasn’t able to make it happen.  I love people with brains.  When they use them.

(If you have the courage and want to read more of my rants, emotions and opinions, please check out my blog @  www://



Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

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