Turbulent Times | HumorOutcasts

Turbulent Times

April 11, 2017

A United Airlines passenger was badly hurt from what looks like rocky turbulence on a flight yesterday.

What makes this turbulence unique was that the plane was stationary. In civilian lingo, that means on the ground and not flying. United declared this to be the first incident of non-motion turbulence, except for the passenger that was tossed around.

In the United flight manual, it’s called We’re-Still-On-The-Ground-And-Want-To-Get-Going-You-Fucking-Customers Turbulence. It usually affects only those customers who insist on staying in the seat they paid for, and who seem to have difficulty cooperating with a police beating.

“It’s a very targeted turbulence”, said United. “That’s why, in an emergency like being refused a seat that you deserve, you should listen carefully to all crew instructions.” Good advice, indeed!

Asked how it is possibly that a passenger can be tossed about while the plane is motionless, United answered, “Don’t worry. After we beat you up, the oxygen mask should drop from the ceiling.”

Bloodied passenger: I was really shocked when they told me this was a special form of turbulence. Nothing special ever happens to me. I hadn’t even picked my movie yet. At first I thought the flight attendant had spilled a ton of peanut bags on me. Or maybe sauce from my knuckle sandwich had spilled on me. I’m just glad those nice gentlemen dragged me to safety.

The United crew were honoured by its CEO for staying calm during an emergency customer beating.


I am a graphic designer, humour writer, musician and piano teacher. And that's only during the day. At night I fight crime and hang out with my wonderful family.

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