We’d been going out for almost three months now and it being Passover I decided the time was right to bring my girlfriend home to meet Mom and Dad.
So it was with some trepidation but a positive attitude that I brought Kayleigh McEnany of CNN broadcaster and Donald Trump supportcaster fame to my parents’ house for the Passover Seder.
“Joel Darling,” squealed Mom as we came through the door, “Happy Pesach!”
“Happy Passover, Mom,” I reciprocated “and this is the girl I’ve been telling you about, Kayleigh McEnany, whom you’ve seen on television and … umm … my girlfriend.”
“Welcome!” Mom replied. “Gee … umm …that’s … umm … such a nice cross you have around the neck! So golden and prominent. And what’s that you’ve brought today?”
“A fruitcake,” replied Kayleigh. “Just like at Christmas, the time of our Lord’s birth.”
While Mom valiantly fought off a gag reflex as if someone were stuffing a live pig down her throat, Dad chipped in to save the day.
“Tell me, Kayleigh” he offered cheerily, “do you really believe those nonsensical things you say on TV or are you just set up to be the bad guy, like in professional wrestling?”
Maybe I forgot to mention but in addition to being as Jewish as a chopped liver grinder in the home of every member of the Chosen People in the 1950’s, my parents were Democratic Liberals who were rooting for Adlai Stevenson, although dead many years, to still make a rousing comeback.
“Oh, no,” said Kayleigh, “I fervently believe that Mr. Trump is a new kind of leader for America, one who will take our nation under God to places never before charted.”
“Yeah,” Dad smirked, “like the sewer.”
Everything was going just as well as I hoped.
We went into the dining room and Kayleigh met my Uncle Sol and Aunt Miriam and their son, weird cousin Melvin, who was unmarried at age 50 and loved reading and re-reading Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Henry Bukowski.
“Kayleigh,” murmured Melvin shyly, “do you happen to know if Erin Burnett is seeing someone?”
“I believe every bit as much as I believe in Mr. Trump,” answered Kayleigh, “ that she’s married.”
“Oh no-o-o-o!” Milton let out a howl like a wounded animal. “See, I’ve got this picture of Ms. Burnett over my bed, and I like to …”
“Shall we go to the Seder table?” gasped Mom!
The table looked beautiful, and I tried as best I could to explain the Seder plate to Kayleigh.
“Everything seems burnt,” she observed. “The egg, the shank bone, the smell of dinner. Is Jewish food always burned to a crisp?”
We began the service and it fell to me as the youngest male (42) to ask the traditional Four Questions.
“Why on this night do we eat matzoh,” I inquired, “when we could have a corned beef special with Russian Dressing and cole slaw?”
“But why ask the questions if you already know the answers?” asked Kayleigh. “Is it like when Don Lemon and Jake Tapper ask those stupid leftist questions that I nail them good with all the answers to?”
“Jake Tapper – now there’s a newsman!” beamed Mom. “A nice Jewish boy from the Philadelphia area. Kayleigh, have you ever met Jared Kushner? You know … um … Ivanka converted for him.”
“I haven’t yet had the joyous pleasure to meet either one of them yet,” Kayleigh replied.
“Well, meet them!” urged Mom.
“Say, Joel,” whispered Uncle Sol, “have you shtupped her yet? How is Kayleigh in the old rack?”
I hadn’t the heart to tell Uncle Sol — inappropriate as he was with that question — that when I thought Kayleigh was shouting “Oh Boy, Fuck Me!” for the first month of our relationship she was actually shouting “Oh Boy, Huckabee!”
“Now it’s time to welcome Elijah into our home,” said Dad.
“Who is this Elijah?” asked Kayleigh, “and how does he have the chutzpah to come so late?”
“Hey, Kayleigh!” I said excitedly. “Can’t believe you said Chutzpah! We’re making progress.”
Actually the doorbell did ring about then and I went to answer it.
It wasn’t Elijah though. It was Jeffrey Lord!
“I thought you might need some help, kid.”
I’d never been so happy to see another batshit crazy Trump supporter in my life.
Well, that’s my story — me, Joel Tannenbaum — about the time I brought Kayleigh McEnany home for Passover Dinner.
Happy Passover, Everyone!
And, between you and me, boychick, if you’ve ever got a hankering to bring someone from CNN home for Passover Seder, please take my advice.
Make it Dana Bash.