Friends and family, gather near. The time is upon us once again. You patiently endured Thanksgiving. You suffered through Black Friday. You tolerated Cyber Monday. Now the wait is over. Keith’s 2018 Inappropriate Christmas Gift List is here!
Because many of you are so helpful to send me suggestions throughout the year when items catch your eye, I am happy to announce that this year the list is so long I am able to post it in 2 parts. That’s right, my friends, the inappropriateness is too much for just one list!
Without further ado, I present to you part 1 one the list. Each item is linked to a website in case you actually want to purchase the gift. You’re welcome.
2018 Inappropriate Christmas Gift List Part 1
Because what we need in the bathroom are more toys and items. This gift may have not been so inappropriate in the early 1990’s or sometime before the invention of smart phones. Today, though, it is clearly list-worthy. WHO DOESN’T TAKE HIS SMART PHONE WITH HIM TO THE BATHROOM? And if you say you don’t have a smart phone, then you deserve inappropriate gifts this year.
Grow Your Own Set of Balls Kit
OK, yes, we all know someone who desperately needs to grow a pair. We all think to ourselves when we encounter this person in the office, on the ball field, at the grocery store, at church–wherever–“Please let XXX some day grow some balls.” But under no circumstances should we purchase said balls for the person for Christmas. Even if they grow into a fine pair.
After Dinner Willies
A few years back, chocolate anuses made the list, so when I saw these delightful chocolate penises, I knew they were bound for 2018 glory. Full disclosure, I purchased the chocolate anuses and gave a few out for gifts. I was correct in my assessment that they were inappropriate. Trust me, I am an expert on these things. No matter how sweet the taste, people will think small, edible penises are a strange gift.
Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure
Normally, action figures are a safe bet when buying Christmas gifts. However, not so much when you are buying for the lady who spends most of her time–even in public–in her pajamas, talking about her kids who are really her cats who are really taking over her house as we speak. She doesn’t need reminded what you and the rest of the town think of her. Besides, look at the action figure. It LOOKS crazy, and so do the cats. Stay Away!
Hot Dog and Marshmallow Roasters
Sometimes form and function come together to make great products. Other times, it is overkill. Just because we CAN make marshmallows and hot dogs into anatomically correct roasting devices, doesn’t mean we should. And furthermore, isn’t a bit of a turn off to see both the items CHARRING IN THE FIRE?! Plus, in the picture, that wiener looks intimidating. It just does.
Dear Fatty Magnet
I will admit it. I may order one of these refrigerator magnets for myself. But, NEVER buy one for someone else. Sure most of us need this on the front of our fridge, but ain’t none of us need someone else to buy it for us. OK?
Snow Globe Sweaters
We know cold weather brings cold nipples, and we know what cold nipple do. They poke out. Thus, all the old sayings: “My headlights are on.” “My nipples are so hard I just keyed the car beside mine in the parking lot with them.” OK, so maybe I made up the second one. Anyway, it happens. It is still inappropriate to buy little toboggans for the nips. No matter how cute they are.
Gotta Go Poncho
I am not sure where one would be traveling where this poncho would be needed. Perhaps if you were the type who just did not like to use public bathrooms, this would be an option. I can’t imagine anyone needing this for a Christmas gift, however. I mean, sure, after watching the video, I sort of want it for myself, but it still doesn’t make it appropriate.
What video, you say? Check this out:
Whew! Had enough? Do you agree? Which one do you secretly want to order for someone? I mean, I would probably love all of them as gifts, but I am not the most sophisticated person in the world.
Stayed tuned for the 2018 Inappropriate Gift List Part 2 coming very soon. If you have any items you think should be included, please let me know. I am always on the lookout for something special.