As your candidate for Congress, I, Helen Feyer, feel a burning desire for full transparency with my potential constituents throughout our district. Here are my campaign expenses, explained:
1. Writing to my donors on a consistent basis is essential, so I need to use a $1.4 million-dollar diamond-crusted, platinum nibbed fountain pen. This one-of-a-kind writing instrument requires weekly cleaning by a highly-trained nib engineer who also refills the pen with specialized ink from Siena, Italy. Notes composed by such a beautiful writing pen must be written on handmade paper rolled out by blind nuns in the Fatima region of Portugal. The pen, the weekly cleanings, and the specialized paper with strands of Portu lamb’s wool ensure that each of my donors will feel a special bond with me when they receive a posted thank-you note.
2. Since I’m not used to dangerous living in the District of Columbia, I’ll need a guard dog, a Chinese mastiff named Lester shipped with a trainer from Beijing, also named Lester. Both the dog and the trainer will need housing in my new home in the District. The great news is that I’ve managed through my political connections to rent a 3 BR 3 BA brick townhouse near Dupont Circle for fifty dollars a month, and mattresses from the Trump Hotel. Rooms for me, Lester, and Lester!
3. Staying up late and getting up early for roll-call votes is exhausting. I need at least two Starbucks skinny Venti mochas a day, so I’ll need a lifetime pass to all Starbucks throughout the world. In my office, we’ll be brewing in our 14K gold Keurig with Kopi Luwak coffee beans from Vietnam, which cost around $300US per pound. This “Vietnamese weasel coffee” is made by collecting coffee beans eaten by wild civets, an Asian carnivorous cat. (See why non-fiction is better. You just cannot make this stuff up.)
4. My family anticipates the stress of mom away from home for months, so we’ll need planned time together. A family trip to the Sonus Festival on the Zrce Beach on the Isle of Pag just off the west coast of Croatia to attend the Techno Music festival is just right. I spent time there during my unrepentant youth. Ahh, those sweet summer nights in Dubrovnik! We’ll need four first-class round-trip tickets on Emirates A380 First Class, described “As close as it comes to your private jet.” Oh, and a ticket for Lester, and one for Lester.
5. Since I’m going to be so far from my spouse, I want to delight him with an ostrich feather coat. I recently learned I could pick up a barely used one from the next federal government auction in Arlington, Virginia.
6. My husband has also asked me to pick up the entire Stormy Daniels filmography, also available at low rates from the federal government auction in Arlington, Virginia. While I am not completely familiar with her work, I’ve read that it is somewhat derivative of Ingmar Bergman and his early films.
7. The administrative assistant I’ve hired, Regina Phalange, works incredible amounts of overtime, so I want to surprise her with white Alba truffles from the Piedmont Region of Italy, about $200 an ounce. I can save my donors some dollars if I send my pig, so I’m looking to my constituents for a hefty Hampshire hog, who can do the digging. (Please contact Regina in my local office.)
8. When my constituents visit my office, I want to them to know and experience the best of everything. I’ve ordered 14K gold toilet paper. When used, the gold flakes off to the floor below, and under the gold is a standard issue, albeit luxury brand, of toilet tissue.
9. Naturally, I’ll need a new gun. I’m coveting a vintage Deringer, like the one that J.W. Booth used to shoot Lincoln. Except I need for mine to be more girly, so I’m thinking about a Nancy Reagan style purse gun with pearl handles. “Lil’ Nancy” is the perfect size for my new 150K Louis Vuitton urban satchel.
Thanks for listening to me today. When you vote this November, you’ll know I’ve been straight with you about what I need to do the job right, to represent your interests in our democracy. And did I mention line my pockets with beautiful goods and convenient services at your expense?
God bless America! Candidate for Congress, Helen Feyer, America!!!!