My Action Plan for Today: Just Don’t Do It! | HumorOutcasts

My Action Plan for Today: Just Don’t Do It!

May 15, 2018
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Most days, I try to live up to that inspirational Nike slogan: Just Do It! I answer my email. I do the chores – sometimes with only a few irreparable mistakes. I even exercise. Today, however, was not one of those inspired days. Today was a Just DON’T Do It kind of day.

I started with the best of intentions. Last night I wrote my goals for today – because I read somewhere that people who write down their goals are far more likely to accomplish them, succeed in life, bear attractive children and win the Nobel Prize than people who don’t. I had visions of forsaking watching The View and powering through my To Do list, even making dinner for my wife. Then I woke up.

Below is my original action plan for today, followed by the results I achieved. Well, maybe “achieved” is overstating it a bit. Let’s just say that my Nobel Prize is looking increasingly out of reach.

PLAN: 6:00: Out of bed. Shower, shave, brush teeth, etc.

REALITY: Turns out the snooze button taps out at 10 smacks. Skipped shower, shaving, etc. Rationalized that good hygiene is overrated – plus, saved on my water bill.

PLAN: 6:30: Make a healthy breakfast of fruit and low-fat yogurt. Maybe a kale shake.

REALITY: Maybe NOT a kale shake. Way behind schedule. (I blame Westclox, inventor of the snooze clock, circa 1959). Healthy breakfast preempted by a need to Google “Inventor of snooze alarm.” Scarfed down a frosted apple-cinnamon pop tart and a slice of cold pineapple-topped pizza. On the positive side, met my daily fruit requirement.

PLAN: 7:00: 45 minutes on the elliptical. Lift weights.

REALITY:  Um, yeah, that didn’t quite pan out. But did stretch out on the couch in PJs. Watched an infomercial on the benefits of a reverse mortgage. Need to talk to my wife about that. Daily educational quota met. 

PLAN: 8:30: Write this week’s blog. Try experimenting by incorporating humor.

REALITY: Stared blankly at computer for 67 minutes. Sole inspiration: monitors sometimes need cleaning. Put that on tomorrow’s To Do list. Tried pumping the creative by juices binge-watching YouTube cat videos. Failed.

PLAN: 11:00: Rake leaves, sweep the deck.

REALITY: Too cold and rainy. Decided to let the wind do the heavy lifting of leaves – hopefully into my neighbor’s yard. 

PLAN: 2:00: Make weekly phone call to mom. She’s 97 and these calls mean the world to her.

REALITY: Called mom. Spoke for a half hour. She said it meant the world to her. Turns out she mistook me for my brother John – her favorite child. 

PLAN: 3:00: Do laundry. If time permits, begin compiling monthly bills to pay.

REALITY: Time, as it turned out, did NOT permit. Defer both to tomorrow next week. 

PLAN: 3:30: Take a brisk 30-minute walk. Need to get my 10,000 steps in today. 

RESULTS: Had to revise target a tad by removing last zero. Came within spitting distance of revised goal. 

PLAN: 4:00: Water plants and vacuum house.

REALITY: Ordered plastic plants on Amazon. Also got a great deal on a robotic vacuum. Time well spent.

PLAN: 4:45: 15-minute break. Need to catch my breath after all my productivity.

REALITY: Decided on a 90-minute power nap instead. Kudos are in order for overachieving on this deliverable.

PLAN: 5:00: Organize garage.

REALITY: Had to bail on this one. Cut into time needed for important power nap.   

PLAN: 6:30: Make healthy vegetarian dinner.

REALITY: Delegated healthy task to Domino’s, who delivered a veggie pizza – with extra black olives for Michele (and a meat-lovers for me) – in just over 30 minutes. So, it was free. Ka-ching! 

PLAN: 8:00: Snuggle on couch next to Michele and read together. Perhaps the Life and Times of Winston Churchill. 

REALITY: Decided instead to check Facebook for recent Winston Churchill posts. Apparently, he left FB. Saw where cousin Amy just baked her first pie ever. Sweet.

PLAN: 8:00: Relax. Reflect on accomplishments of the day.

REALITY: Caught a glimpse of the documentary Michele was watching, “The Secret Life of Hummingbirds,” narrated by David Attenborough. Was out for the count in 3 minutes. Should have called it “The Secret Life of Hummingboreds.” 

What can I say? Today was a bust. But I’ve written down my goals for tomorrow. First goal: Stop watching Nike Just Do It commercials.

For more of my humor go HERE

Check out Tim Jones’ latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

Tim Jones

Tim Jones is a humor writer based in Seattle and the one person to blame for the humor blog View from the Bleachers. Tim ponders important issues like “are all teenage daughters evil?” and “why does Montana hate me?” and “can your dishwasher destroy your marriage?” Tim’s not afraid to tackle controversial issues. He was the first techno-religion expert to conduct a side-by-side comparison of the iPad and Jesus Christ. From Politics to Parenting to Pop culture, if the subject begins with the letter P, Tim has something profoundly uninformed to say about it.

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