This morning’s “Washington Post” reported the President held a meeting Friday about securing the nation’s upcoming mid-term elections. Many of the nation’s top security advisors participated in the 1-hour session, though the President issued no new directives to combat the election meddling.
“Humor Outcasts” has learned through an anonymous source (who has the initials RG), that the perpetrator of the election hi-jinx has been identified through secure channels and traced to a lone individual, a malicious actor in the Midwest.
Durham Spitzsnogel, 37, Sugar Ditch, Indiana, has been identified after an exhaustive search. Spitzsnogel admitted to the “Humor Outcasts” investigative team that he is wholly and solely behind all of it, hacking of the DNC, the Trump Tower meeting, Ivanka’s brand going to China, illegal entering of state election systems, and the implication of Ted Cruz’ father in the JFK assassination.
Spitzsnogel, who is known as “Hamhock” to his family and friends, lives in a mobile home on his small farm in southern Indiana. His 42-foot trailer sits next to a giant satellite dish which offers Hamhock his high-speed Internet access on which he undertook his personal fiddling.
Hamhock explained to queries that he has a thyroid condition which limits his mobility. His sister Randalia helps clean his home and assists in bringing groceries and needed medicines. The only time Hamhock leaves his home is for periodic medical visits. He is often visited by his parish priest, friends, family, and Sugar Ditch neighbors. (Several neighbors interviewed by our crack team had no idea Hamhock was involved in election meddling. His neighbor across the unpaved Sugar Ditch Road, Mrs. Adeline Dunkirk, said, “I’ve never even known Hammy to get out and vote for county counsel.”
Why did he undertake all this trouble, “Humor Outcasts” asked Hamhock as he sat on the edge of his old-style waterbed?
“I have tried for years to better myself,” he said. “I signed up for Trump University to get a four-year degree so that I might better use my computer skills. Unfortunately, the University took all my money, and I was left with little in savings, and nothing but my MacBook Pro and fast Internet.”
Hamhock explained that over the course of several years, he taught himself computer languages and learned that he could influence outside events by hacking into other systems. One good example he gave was that he hacked into the servers of the makers of M & Ms so that on a particular day all the candy produced would be green.
“On a more serious note, I admit that once I got started into the political hacking, I just couldn’t stop,” said the portly middle-aged Caucasian man. “And I’ve had so much fun with friends reading Hillary’s Clintons 33,000 missing e-mails. That woman can write, and she is so funny!”
Now that he has been identified, does Hamhock have legal representation with the Department of Justice coming after him?
Hamhock stated that he has hired Gloria Borger who will be representing him in any upcoming legal actions.
Is Hamhock finished with his hacking?
“Unfortunately, the government has worked with my satellite Internet provider to limit what I can get on the Internet, so I currently can only reach Facebook, Candy Crush, and my Gmail account.”
**This is a developing story.**