Park, He Said

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials on television about cars that park themselves.

Which is amazing, considering that I can barely park a car at all.

I’ve been known to be unable to successfully pull into a spot just vacated by Godzilla. In moving back and forth within a parking spot to try to park in a manner such that I don’t need to take an Uber to the curb, I frequently hit another car.

Not a car in front of or behind me.  A car across the street.

So, enthusiastic about the new self-parking vehicles I’d seen so much about on television, I went to Kropotkin Motors and was greeted by a very earnest young man named Guy Greenleaf.

“Mr. Greenleaf, I’d to check out your self-parking cars,” I said. “You see, my parallel parking is so bad I refer to it as perpendicular parking.”

“Self-parking cars should be perfect for you, then, Mr. Block.  They can greatly benefit people with poor motor skills who are well along in years such as yourself.”

I guess when a car is in demand, polite sales technique is not.

“Now, Mr. Block,” Mr. Greenleaf said “it’s important that you get into one of our special cars and do some parking so we may take extensive data of your parking techniques.”

“I see. You want to understand all the parameters of my substandard parking skills so that you may best correct them.”

“No, not exactly.”

“What then?”

“We want to understand all the parameters of your substandard parking skills so we can best duplicate them.”


“The technology doesn’t enable the car to park better than you do, Mr. Block. All it can do is imitate you. If you can’t successfully park within a berth for the QE2, neither can the car!”

“But what good is that?!”

“You don’t have to expend effort to park. And when the car does a lousy park job, everyone around will think the car is an idiot, not you.”

“You know, that is something after all, Mr. Greenleaf.”

“And sometimes the car will park itself pretty well. Just like you probably do once in a great while.”

“That is good. Know what, Guy?  I may want to check out a self-driving car too.”

“Sorry, Mr. Block, not going to happen.”


“Given the way you probably drive, Warren Buffett couldn’t afford the insurance.”

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