The iShoe

Isn’t it weird that in Get Smart the cell phone had already been invented and yet they hadn’t managed to invent the touch-tone key pad? That’s like inventing the gas-powered electric car.

I’m assuming his shoe was a cell phone and not a cordless or satellite phone. He could use it wherever he was, including elevators and closets. I tested my cordless in a closet and it didn’t work. What also didn’t work was the explanation to my wife as to why I was on the phone in a closet. No, it’s not another woman. I’m working on an important blog.

Max never pulled up an aerial, which you often do with a cordless or satellite phone. Satellite phones are also bigger than cell phones, so he would have to carry around a jackboot phone. Or at least some over-sized stilettos, with the pointy heel acting as the antenna.

My closet test wasn’t a complete waste of time. I finally found my favourite golf shoes, which my wife hid from me. I hope to actually golf someday. I don’t think the golf shoe phone would work. Imagine if you hold the shoe to your face to make a call and forget to take the bottom off. Spiked face. Your first call is 911. Or maybe Agent 99, for that soothing voice she had.

Still, the rotary dial must have contributed to a lot of failed national security missions. Max hears about some impending KAOS plot to assassinate the President, and he doesn’t even have speed dial. “Jesus, there are a lot of nines in this number. This is taking forever.”

“Oh shit, the kids have been using my shoe again. The dial is all gummed up. What is this, porridge?”

“Welcome to Control. To report assassination plots, press 2.” I can’t press 2. We don’t have the touch-tone pad yet. Doesn’t Control know this? The left shoe doesn’t know what the right shoe is doing.

NEWS ALERT: President shot dead. Control agent found locked in closet, banging shoe phone against lynx coat.

Why didn’t Max’s shoe phone need a protective case, like my iPhone has, in case he’s running, goes dancing, or steps in a puddle? Maybe some nice designer galoshes with 99’s face printed on them. And why didn’t the lithium battery explode and catch fire while he was wearing his phone? Did you ever see Max charging his shoe? Devil’s in the details.

Even crazier than all this? No touch-tone and yet they developed the cone of silence. You still can’t get a decent cone of silence in the real world.

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