Today I am grateful for knowing what not to wear. When a cute dress or blouse shows up on your feed, didja ever click on it and go poking around for a closer look? Yeah, me, too. Not often, but it only takes once and you will find that and similar items will appear to tempt and silent-scream at you like Lays Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips do in aisle seven at the Shop Rite.
Usually if I do look at some item of clothing I find they don’t have it in my size. I have learned to check the “size chart” after ordering something once and realizing it was Asian sizing. That means a 3X is teeny-tiny compared to what it is here. If you are a size 4 I don’t know how many zero’s that would be according to their method and I would probably be a as many XXXXXXXXXXXXXX’s as are on a porn shop marque. So I don’t order anymore. I’ll give that shirt to my granddaughter. The two-year-old, before she out grows it. At three. No more ordering for me.
But I still get pop-up clothing pictures. I like odd clothes with wild colors and asymmetrical styling, but some of the stuff that’s popping up has me wondering if they have a clue who they are dealing with.
It took me a long time to accept my cellulite laden, drooping, body. That’s why asymmetrical works for me. My body is shaped just like it, with uneven patterns and wild colors in various configurations. It is clearly more “odd” than “normal” and suits my personality perfectly. That works for me and I’m the only one who counts on this issue.
But I have to ask the manufacturers what they were thinking with this one? I was glad I wasn’t drinking anything when that picture popped-up. Really? From analyzing my profile, this is what you think I’m going to buy? Did it occur to you to evaluate my age?
Maybe you picked up on my boldness, my perky attitude and my sense of humor and figure this will fly. Understandable, I guess.
But the truth is I wouldn’t have to wonder if my BINGO arms would fit in this puppy. I could bat-wing all over the place with ease. And that V-neck goes down to just about the spot where the boobs now land, so I’m good there, too, plus there’s plenty of room for the turkey neck to dangle.
I have a shape like a Weeblish-pear, so I’m intrigued by those blouson legs. Are they supposed to hang all loose and floppy like bad draperies, the way my natural legs already do, or am I supposed to fill them out, stretch ‘em tight so I look like a rotting avocado with thick ankles?
I’m no fashion expert but I’m pretty much okay with that since I have so much other stuff going for me, what with my witty repartee and my spunky attitude. And I’m very glad that I know what not to wear. Even if it says, “as seen on TV”, only costs $19.99 and is in my size, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I’m not buyin’ it!!!!