Donald Trump, King of the Mountains

Among his many striking tweets of recent days, President Trump today declared himself to have been the winner of the recently completed Tour de France bicycle race. The fact that the official records did not list his time or even his name as an entrant was dismissed as fake news from the elitist European establishment. “And what do the race organizers know, anyway?,” postulated Trump. “They’re French. It’s always chaos around the Arc de Triomphe. They still have cobblestone streets there. They live in a country with bad air conditioning that’s infested by mushrooms and snails. Disgusting! Look at the person who stars in all their movies, Gerard Depardieu, and compare his physique with mine.”

The president announced that he had outperformed all the professional cyclists while watching Fox News continually on an exercise bike at Mar-A-Lago. Mitch McConnell himself certified the results because, in Trump’s words, “he really knows how to count to make things come out the right way for me.” “Believe me,” continued the President, “Macron and Depardieu and the rest of them will come to their senses when I threaten to impose tariffs on wine, cheese and parts for e-bikes. Just because I didn’t want to wear a yellow jersey or ride on all those cobblestones doesn’t mean I’m not the best rider. I don’t need a yellow jersey or a polka dot jersey or any other conspicuous color to keep America great. I already am pretty conspicuous and I already wear lots of yellow in my hair—well, sort of an orangish-yellow anyway.”

The president also claimed to have won the points competition, just as he won the electoral college from Hillary, with no gerrymandering and no help from the Russians. “Absolutely no collusion,” concluded the President. “It’s not even in the Mueller report. I didn’t need Putin this time. We had a great team with my domestiques like Kelly Anne Conway, Brett Kavanaugh and all those temporary cabinet-level appointees. Mike Pence carried a lot of water for me and the team, and you’ve never seen anything until you’ve seen Rudy Giuliani leading out on a sprint.”
The President plans to donate his bicycling shoes to the Smithsonian as soon as he can bend over far enough to untie them and is assured that the tax deduction he plans to take for them will never be disclosed. Then, of course, he will begin preparing to declare victory in the 2020 Olympics as well as the presidential election. “No sweat,” said the President. “Once you deny climate change, it’s all downhill from there.”

Share this Post: