Emoji Consultant

I got some disappointing news from a friend last week.

He had a tough breakup with his girlfriend. The really sad part is he’s 56, divorced, and living in his not-so-smart car. His girlfriend? Well, she’s busy catching up on Pretty Little Liars.

On top of that, his new puppy died of a rare infection of the hock.

Tough day all around.

I really struggled with how to respond to this. What do I say and, more importantly, what emoji do I text him to express real concern?

The search was futile. It seemed like any emoji I chose was simply mocking him. The sad face emoji was belittling. Do I go with the one-tear emoji or two-tear? Maybe the pained expression? That one seems more useful for a burst appendix or plastic surgery gone wrong.

If I express too much sorrow, I might be encouraging him to go find another girlfriend that just passed her G1, but I also want him to know how sad the puppy thing is and he should give it another shot.

This is when I realized I need an emoji consultant. You do too.

Emoji consultants are a rare breed, and the demand for them is increasing exponentially.

“There’s a real shortage of qualified emoji consultants”, reflects Dan, one of the first truly gifted emoji consultants, who just received his PhEmojifrom an elite virtual university that was accidentally deleted from a hard drive after he graduated. For $50,000, they let Dan answer his SAT questions entirely with hand-drawn emojis, a first in academia.

He continued…

“Matching the right emoji to the right life situation is a very personal decision. It’s like picking the right piece of music for grandma’s funeral or choosing a proctologist that you trust to mess around with your butt.”

“Society can’t make the proper emojis fast enough. People are left on their own to come up with actual words for some very tough situations. It’s a real burden on them. Society isn’t ready for this. Sure, they can send a sympathy card instead, but that’s so shallow.”

“You know, we always focus on emotional health, physical health, but no one pays attention to a person’s emojinal health. It’s a real emojincy.”

Dan is working on a few of his own customized emojis for his clients. The Hung Out to Dry emoji is for people who are fired after years of service to their almighty corporation. Dan will emojify your boss’s face, put a Kim Jong-un haircut on it and replace the brain with timbits. You can add 666 across the forehead if you really got burned, like not getting a severance. That one’s a huge seller for Sears employees.

I’m considering hiring Dan for my friend’s situation, although it’s a tad pricey. Dan looks forward to the day when emoji consultants are covered under medical benefits.

PS: I couldn’t find the perfect emoji to go with this blog. See what I mean?

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