The Next New Thing: Interviewing as Colonoscopy

The 2019 Major League Baseball All-Star Game featured interviews with team members as they played their positions on the field.  Really.  No joke. 

Oh, the possibilities.

Nigel Raisinet, Principal Percussionist, New York Philharmonic, interviewed during the orchestra’s performance of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9:

Joe Buck: “How’s it going tonight, Nigel?”

Nigel: “It’s a freakin’ s***storm down here!  Someone stole my triangle, smeared K-Y Jelly all over my cymbals, and removed three bars from the xylophone.”

Joe: “Inside job?”

Nigel: “Oh yeah.  Probably Bernice, the Associate Bassoonist.  We dated for a few months, then broke up a couple of weeks ago.  It wasn’t pretty.  Woodwind players are notorious for holding grudges.  Absolute wingnuts.  I should have known better.  She once told me that her favorite actress was Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  Oops, gotta run.  Need to fake a triangle note.”

[30 seconds later]

Nigel: “Well, that sucked.  Ever try to make music by tapping a plastic yogurt spoon with a ballpoint pen?  Don’t bother.”

Joe: “Sorry.  Overall, though, how’s the performance sound so far?”

Nigel: “Not great.  The conductor is drunk…..again.  That doesn’t help.  The second violinist hasn’t laundered his chin handkerchief in almost three years, and he sweats like a moose in heat.  You can smell that rag all the way back where I am.   And the Bavarian Mixed Chorus, who are mostly the size of Budweiser Clydesdales, is right behind me and spitting like crazy tonight.  They’re singing Ode to Saliva, not Ode to Joy.  I should be wearing a tarp.  You can actually see a rainbow against the balcony lights. 

“Holy Mother of God!  Where are my castanets?  I’m going to kill you, Bernice!”

Pretty rich stuff, you have to admit.  On the other hand, it’s not clear that live-performance interviewing works well in all venues.

Usain Bolt, 100-meter dash, Rio de Janeiro, 2016:

Bob Costas: “Usain, what did it feel like coming off the starting block a half-second ago?”

Usain: “I’m running here, mon, can’t you see I’m f***king running?”

Bob: “Yes, I know you’re running.  We can see you.  But how do you think you’re doing?”

Usain: “Mon, I’m going to crush your head like a grape when this race is over.  You’re a dead mon.” 

On The Horizon….

…..conversations with gymnasts as they engage in the One-on-One Balance-Beam Coitus Competition at the 2020 Olympiad in Tokyo.  Plans to interview participants during the Ménage à Trois segment, to be jointly broadcast by Bravo and the Pilates Channel, are pending.

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