Turn Mr. Not-Quite-Right Into Mr. Perfect! | HumorOutcasts

Turn Mr. Not-Quite-Right Into Mr. Perfect!

May 16, 2019
By

You know the problem. You’ve found a man who is fun to be with and could be “The One,” but there’s that little something about him that holds you back from true love and long-term commitment. Ms. Not-Quite-Right provides sensible solutions to women who need a “man makeover.” Let’s dip into the mailbag.

Dear Ms. Not-Quite-Right:

I have been dating a man for two years now, and we have a ton of fun together every weekend at medieval festivals where we “role play” as knight-in-shining-armor and damsel-in-distress. The only problem is that on the drive home if we stop at a restaurant for a nice dinner together he has a hard time getting “out of character” and will pick up his prime rib and gnaw on it. Or he’ll want another beer and yell out “Where’s the wench with the mead?”


Minding her manners.

This has caused me no end of embarassment, but dammit–I am trying to make this relationship work! I would appreciate any suggestions you may have.

Miriam Rosacia, Williamsville, New York


Her get-up.

 

Dear Miriam:

You are quite the lucky girl! I’ll bet your co-workers and friends would just die for a man who, when he is ready to pop the question, will “plight his troth” or “troth his plight,” whichever is right, I forget. Here’s a suggestion for bringing your medieval man into the modern world: Next time he reaches for his prime rib, grab it out of his hands with the words “Hwæt! We Gardena in geardagum þeodcyninga!” This is Olde English for “Put that down–you have the manners of a freaking Poland China hog!” If he has been paying attention during Medieval orientation sessions, he will get the message.


Poland China hog: Actually, they’re quite neat.

 

Dear Ms. Not-Quite-Right:

A friend of mine introduced me to a guy she knew–I will call him “Ray”–and we went out several times. He is really sensitive and nice, and I agreed to go back to his apartment after dinner last Saturday night. When we walked in and he turned on the lights there was this giant lizard sitting on his kitchen counter. I screamed and ran back out into the hall but he says don’t be afraid–it’s just Sparky, his Komodo dragon.


“You and that stupid lizard!”

 

Ms. Not-Quite-Right, I have a hard time being comfortable around a four-foot long, eighty pound lizard. ”Ray” keeps Sparky penned up when we are in bed, but there is just a flimsy little chicken-wire fence between him and me, and I can hear him breathing when the lights are out, which scares the bejeezus out of me. Now Ray thinks I am not attracted to him because I can’t relax.

Do you see any way out of my dilemma? I have tried on-line dating services, but dial-up internet access takes forever.

Diane Gianocopoulos, Watertown, Mass.


“C’mon! I want to wink at nopets14!”

 

Dear Diane:

There is a simple solution to your problem. Next time you sleep over, turn out the lights, open the door to the hall and let Sparky run free. Komodo dragons are friendly and approachable, and can survive for weeks in the wild on small animals, plants and toddlers. With Sparky out of the bedroom, you’ll get some much-needed rest and put the “spark” back in your love life.

Dear Not-Quite-Right Lady:

I have been dating a strolling accordion player whom I met at a Girls Night Out party me and my friends threw. “Leon” is very artistic, and I am sometimes concerned that I am a little too “humdrum” for him and will not fit into his creative lifestyle.

When I expressed my misgivings to him he suggested that he incorporate me into his act. I am not at all musical, but I told him I would give it a try. He and I now go around the room at a restaurant or lodge hall, whatever, bunny-hop style with me in front and him in back. I noodle around on the keys but I am just faking it, and he says that’s okay.


Faking it.

 

I am concerned that this talented musician is only using me because I wear a size 40D-cup bra and add a certain erotic interest to his act, which otherwise is limited to virtuoso pieces such as “Lady of Spain.” How can I let him know–without hurting his feelings–that I do not like being used in this fashion?

Courtney Allbritton, Durham, New Hampshire

 

Dear Courtney:

The “full-figured gal” is always suspicious of men’s motives, and this often causes bitterness towards others that is undeserved. I would suggest a few music lessons may help you build the confidence you need to tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t “get it,” you can drop him like a bad habit and strike out on your own. Then you won’t have to share your tips!

Available in Kindle format as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway” on amazon.com.

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of The Year of the Gerbil, a history of the 1978 Red Sox-Yankees pennant race, and 50 books of humor including "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" by HumorOutcasts Press. My work has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor and The Boston Globe among print outlets. "Rabbit's Blues," my biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player, will be published by Oxford University Press in September.

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