12 Things You Should Never Do At Home If You’ve Been Drinking

Most of us have done it at one time or another—tied one on while sitting at home on a Saturday night (and thankfully, not behind the wheel of a car—EVER). After experiencing a massive, head-splitting hangover the next day, we usually learn our lesson. But sometimes it takes more than a single night of praying to the porcelain god to get the message across that getting drunk is NOT FUN. Stuff happens when we drink too much….bad things.

Next time you think you can handle that extra cocktail, think again….or else you might end up regretting your alcohol-infused decisions the next morning when you wake up to a shaved-off eyebrow or a wad of peppermint gum knotted in your hair (don’t ask how I know). What else could possibly go wrong? Well, I wouldn’t attempt any of the following if I was busy tying one on at home:

1. Google your hangover symptoms on WebMD and discover that you either have gout, IBS or leprosy.

2. Create a single’s profile on FarmersOnly.com with the user name, “Big Meat.”

3. Cut your bangs with kitchen shears….but only if you dig the Friar Tuck look.

4. Impulse-shop on eBay and buy a Daenerys Targaryen wig for your cat, along with an inflatable Iron Throne.

5. Call your Mother-in-law to announce that you’re tired of her dry rump roast recipe and that this year you’ll be hosting an all-vegan Easter dinner complete with faux ham made from wheat gluten and yeast.

6. Drunk text your boss in Klingonese.

7. Mow the lawn at night, decapitating every sprinkler head in the yard.

8. Update your status on Facebook: “Does anyone recognize this weird rash on my groin?” (photo included).

9. Apply Dollar Store tanning lotion to your face and body. In the morning everyone will think you spent the weekend sunning at Mar-a-Lago.

10. Invite a friend who owns a home tattoo kit to come over and ink something on an unmentionable part of your body; something that will be seen by every gynecologist you visit from now until eternity.

11. Investigate that strange sound outside from behind the trash cans. Decide that you missed your calling as a “rodent whisperer” and attempt hand-feeding that cute mother possum and her babies.

12. Spice up things in the bedroom with your partner by trying out the Kama Sutra g-force position. Call out of work tomorrow for a herniated disc.

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