To All Humankind –
Our demand is simple: Stop coughing and sneezing into us.
Where do you get off using elbows as your personal septic tank for the disgusting nasal/oral detritus you spew forth? We’re a part of your body, for God’s sake! We’ve been tolerating this behavior without complaint for years, but with the COVID-19 era upon us, it’s become unbearable. From the moment we first bend in the morning until slumber mercifully arrives at night, it’s a never-ending cascade of mucous-and-more that you send our way. It’s revolting, and we’ve had enough. Show some respect. Sneeze into a paper cup.
Elbows have always been the true Silent Majority, outnumbering humans two-to-one around the globe. But we are oppressed. You literally bend us to your will – and whim – whenever you feel like it. You jab us into the ribs of people who crowd you on the sidewalk. You grind us on hard, unforgiving surfaces for extended periods while drinking and picking up strangers at local bars. And don’t get me started on the abomination of Tommy John surgery for ballplayers. You actually drill holes into the bones above and below us to attach a tendon that we never asked for, just so some 27-year-old dipwad with a mullet can get his fastball back. Shame on you.
So here’s the deal: If you don’t stop abusing us by April 15th, elbows everywhere will go on strike.
We will refuse to bend.
We will lock your arms in full, rigid extension for the indefinite future.
Mealtimes will be fun, won’t they? Bring out the troughs! What about taking a shower? Or cleaning yourself up after going to the bathroom for No. 2? Of course, having sex with your partner could certainly become a bit more challenging. Hint: Kama Sutra position #634 might work.
Keep messing with us, keep polluting us, keep taking us for granted, and COVID-19 will be the least of your worries.
April 15th. You’ve been warned.