Professional Advice from a Licensed Dog:
Dear Budleigh,
I know all about coronavirus, but do we really need to be wearing face masks everywhere? I walk around the grocery store and feel like an extra in a Tarantino bank heist movie. A lot of these health guidelines seem confusing and arbitrary. Who should we believe?
The answer, of course, is Budleigh. Mask or unmask? What’s your opinion?
Safe in Seattle
Budleigh advises:
Dear SS,
I never wear a mask for reasons of both style and snout. Style, because I’m averse to anything that blocks my black-and-white, charmingly uneven, Giant-delighting beard. It’s what got me adopted. And keeps me in bacon bits.
Snout, because…well, sufficient lengths of fabric have yet to be found. Possibly my Giants’ bed linens could serve, but years ago we negotiated an agreement. They would maintain limited control of the bed; I would be adopted and kept in bacon bits.
It should be noted, however, that dogs neither carry nor spread Covid 19, according to the latest fake news, fake science, fake economics, and fake White House administration mishandling. Which begs the question: Why are you asking a dog if you, a Giant, should wear a mask?
As my Yelly Giant explains in between swears, wearing a face mask in a public venue helps guard you from virus exposure. Also, your face covering shields other Giants from possible exposure from you.
How very mature, responsible, and dog pack-ish!
Yet some Giants balk at the face mask, even those printed with adorable little dog paws. They claim that wearing one treads on their Constitutional right to become deathly ill (See U.S. Supreme Court case 227; Asbury v. Who Puked on the Carpet? Gross!
But is wearing face masks a red state/blue state conflict? Or in the case of Canines, a light grey/not-quite-so-light-grey-state issue?
As I recently took part in elections for Alpha at my dog park, I can say with confidence that politics have no place in this face mask debate. Even Giant Vice President Pence knows this, having been derided recently for his lack of a mask when touring a medical clinic. He claimed he wanted to look those healthcare workers in the eye.
If he couldn’t look them in the eye, I suspect that he was wearing the mask wrong. But that’s a Giant issue.
More important than whether to wear the mask is how to wear it properly. That highly developed talent is all that separates Giants and Canines from the animals.
1. Loop the mask over your ears, if you can still find them under that unruly mass of out-of-control, badly-in-need-of-a-color hair.
2. Cover all parts of your face that appear to be holes.
3. Breathe normally. Inhale on even days. Exhale odd days.
4. To remove the mask, pinch the bridge of the nose with the three fingers you like least. Then lifting the mask away from your face, turn and run the other way.
5. Discard used masks or soak them overnight in a solution of equal parts bleach and Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Now rest. Repeat. Watch Netflix.
Budleigh
Had enough of Budleigh and his Giants? No? Then check out his award-winning new book Sleeping between Giants, Book I: Budleigh, the Early Year.