Ask the Department of Motor Vehicles Action Reporter!

Got a beef about a surly clerk at the license renewal counter?  Wondering if you can re-take your vision test now that you’ve got contacts?  Ask the Department of Motor Vehicles Action Reporter, he’ll cut through the red tape!

Dear Department of Motor Vehicles Action Reporter:

I have been a faithful patron of the Missouri Department of Motor Vehicles since I got my first learner’s permit back in 1964.  Whenever I need to renew my license or registration, I always “go to the source” rather than making a federal or even a local case out of it.

Anyway, I “gifted” my 2004 Toyota Camry to my granddaughter Vernice for high school graduation, she had already stained the back seat doing I-don’t-want-to-know on graduation night.  I bought a new Subaru (I know, it’s supposed to be a lesbian car, why didn’t anybody at the dealership tell me?) and was assigned license plate number RH666V. Department of Motor Vehicles Action Reporter, you should have seen the looks of horror when I drove into the parking lot at New Hope Church the next Sunday.

As you may know if you are religious, “666” is the mark of the beast with seven heads and ten horns in the Bible, and now there are rumblings of a movement to get me “shunned” because my license plate has revealed that I am the Bride of the Antichrist.  There are only two Missouri Synod Lutheran churches in town, and I don’t want to leave New Hope because the other one isn’t air-conditioned.

Thank you in advance for your help.

(Mrs.) Janice Lee Ann Mosby
Florissant, MO 63034

Oklahoma District Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod - Churches ...
The one that isn’t air-conditioned.

Dear Janice Lee Ann–

I checked with Sgt. Jim Hampy of the Missouri State Highway Patrol who said that you are allowed to turn your plate upside down so that the 6’s look like 9’s for religious reasons.  He also said you can return that Subaru under your state’s “Lemon Law” if you were fraudulently induced to buy it by a salesman who did not disclose its gender.

Hey there DMV Action Reporter–

Long-time reader, first-time writer.  I have been coach of the Lady Indians girls hockey team at Assaquinet Regional High School for the past 34 years.  (Yes, Assaquinet is an Indian name, and no we aren’t changing our mascot just because some underemployed vegan hipster liberal arts major doesn’t like it.)  I applied for a vanity plate that would say “ASSMAN” but was turned down by the Maine Department of Motor Vehicles on the grounds that it was “lewd and/or lascivious” and might “tend to offend other drivers or corrupt impressionable youth.”

Mr. DMV Action Reporter, “Assman” is not intended to be pornographic, the girls in my program have been calling me that for years as a token of their affection and appreciation for all I’ve done for Assaquinet High.  You can ask my wife Sharon, who played for me from 2010 to 2013, or my first wife Carole, who played for me from 1986 to 1989.

I am willing to make a political contribution to “grease the skids” in this matter, but would prefer not to spend more than $50.

Jim Holcomb
Assaquinet, Maine

“There’s nobody in line, but you still have to wait!”


Dear Mr. Holcomb:

I’m afraid I’m going to have to side with the DMV on this one.  If we don’t draw the line somewhere with today’s impressionable young girls, they could end up back-combing their hair, popping bubble gum in church or drinking Coca-Cola laced with aspirin really fast through a straw.  Just be thankful you have a “farm team” you can scout for prospects when you dump your current wife.

“Now hop on one leg and make a noise like your favorite animal.”


Dear Department of Motor Vehicles Action Reporter:

My wife Ginger and I are getting up in years and have begun to think about drawing up a will.  Unfortunately, we have been stuck in the “LICENSE RENEWALS ONLY!” line at the satellite registry office for six hours, and we still have the vision test and the Senior Citizen Cognitive Decline tests to go.  We are both concerned that we are going to die here, leaving our assets to be scooped up by some shyster lawyer in probate court.

We are wondering if it is legal to draw up a will on the back of a DMV form.  There are plenty of people in line who could serve as witnesses, and we have a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts “Munchkins” to offer as an inducement.

We appreciate your help.

Vernon and Ginger Morgraine
Chillicothe, OH


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Morgraine–

You’re in luck–Ohio is one of the few states that requires only two (2) witnesses to a will, and not a pesky notary public to “attest” to their signatures.  Use the $2 you will save on notary fees and buy ten more “Munchkins” for your new friends!

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