Brave New World


Sturfrei-Wesleyan College

Tupper Lake, NY

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College is pleased to announce its plans for reopening the campus in the fall of 2020.  This plan reflects our steadfast commitment to ensuring the safety of all of our students.

AUGUST 16:  A squadron of F-22A Raptor aircraft will sterilize our vacated campus, carpet-bombing it with a variety of anti-viral disinfectants that will include, but not be limited to, DDT, Agent Orange, hydroxychloroquine, bleach, and Mountain Dew.  

AUGUST 17:  Sterilization processes continue.  All lawns will be replaced with hypoallergenic artificial turf; trees and shrubbery will be replaced with Brutalist-inspired stainless-steel sculpture created by student artists.  Rogue peanuts will be taken into custody.

AUGUST 18:  Project Re-Entry:  A demographically and ideologically diverse group of volunteer adjunct faculty will move into the Sturfrei-Wesleyan residence halls for a period of one week.  Their health will be monitored daily to confirm that the campus is safe for students to return.  These faculty will receive hazard pay and full health insurance coverage for up to three months. 

AUGUST 25:  “Part-Time Faculty, Full-Time Heroes” – Memorial service for Project Re-Entry’s fallen adjuncts

AUGUST 26:  Orientation Day for First-Year Students

9:00 am           Welcoming Address from President Welker Navely

                            “You’re Not Going to Die Here, I Promise!”

10:00 am         Health Services Workshop I

                             Social Distancing during Sexual Encounters: 10 Tips That Could Save Your Life

11:00 am         Health Services Workshop II

                           What to Do if Your Roommate Wants to Borrow Your Ventilator

Noon                 Lunch with Faculty Advisors

(Hazmat suits will be provided.  If your faculty advisor has been let go over the summer, you will be given a new one.  If your major has been eliminated over the summer, you will be given a new one.)

1:00 pm           One-Act Play – Plague: The Musical (by Albert Camus and Stephen Sondheim)

Presented by the Drama Department and Faculty from the Public Health Master’s Program

2:30 pm          Concert Performance by the Strurfrei-Wesleyan Student Choir

                        “Feelin’ Alright?”


                        “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

                        “Amazing Grace” (guest soloist: Alicia Keys)

                        “Taps” (lyrics by Bob Dylan and Miley Cyrus)

3:30 pm        Announcement of Fall Athletic Events That Have Been Cancelled

                        (All of them)

4:00 pm        Wine and Cheese Reception with Your Campus-Based Primary Care Physician and Paramedic Team

                        (A stamped receipt indicating that your Fall tuition has been fully paid will serve as your admission ticket.)

5:00 pm        Closing Remarks from President Navely

                        “We’re So Glad You’re Not Sick!”

AUGUST 27       Classes Begin

Academics:  Every meeting of every course will last one hour and consist of a 5-minute mini-lecture repeated 12 times by the instructor.  Students will be rotated through the classroom in groups of 6 and socially distanced by a campus police officer. 

                        Dining:  All meals will be shrink-wrapped and delivered to students in their dorm rooms by adjunct faculty. 

                        Career Counseling:  Will resume as soon as the College confirms that careers will be available.

OCTOBER 12      Columbus Day: Homecoming and End of the Fall Semester

                                Celebrated with a bonfire in the quad where Columbus is burned in effigy

Plans for the Spring 2021 semester are pending.  Please check the Sturfrei-Wesleyan website for updates.

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