Everyone, thank you for coming on such short notice. As you know, our competition really raised the bar for unforgettable gender reveal parties. They set California on fire to announce their client’s son’s penis!
We need bigger, better ideas if we want parents to hire us for the most important moment in their child’s life! Telling everyone else the shape of their baby’s genitalia!
We’ve come up with a new range of products:
Deface Mt. Rushmore
We needed something whimsical for the hipsters and natural mama Instagram demographic. This is our bread and butter clientele and we needed something truly social media worthy. Something no one else could top. I am very happy to announce that we can now put enormous pink or blue mustaches on the client’s president of choice! We feel this will be very popular for pregnant liberals and conservatives alike during election season.
Poison a Water Supply
Our proprietary oil slick comes in vulva pink or sailor-boy blue. It’s guaranteed to coat a river, lake, or stream for a month! Those cowboy oil barons in Texas should dance a jig when we market it. We thought this product was too aspirational but it turns out the City of Detroit will let anyone put anything in the water if the price is right.
Slaughter a Whale
Cutting a cake to see the color under the icing is so 2019. We’ll beach a whale, and parents-to-be can rip it open and pull out a steaming pile of entrails dyed the appropriate color. Nothing says I will provide for you quite like killing an endangered species. We expect the Tiger mom demographic to eat this up.
Burn the Amazon
Do they want fire? We’ll give them a bigger one! The President of Brazil just accepted our bid to burn a portion of the Amazon using gender-specific pink or blue flames. This should be especially attractive to our nuevo rich tech bro clients who are compensating for something.
Let’s give a round of applause to our marketing team for keeping us relevant in a cut-throat market space! And no Sonia, we don’t think our new range of products are going too far. If parent-to-be were worried about the environment they wouldn’t keep lighting stuff on fire in a drought. Exposing private bits is super important, and WE will be the company helping families do it, one national treasure at a time.
You didn’t mention the red and blue nuclear explosions.