Utah Senator Mitt Romney stunned reporters at a press conference on Tuesday when he shared the reason for his willingness to consider a Supreme Court nominee less than two months before the Presidential election: “I only make ONE decision per year based on ethical principles, and I reached that limit in February when I voted to impeach President Trump. Now I need to go back to using expediency and naked self-interest as my North Star.
“Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to make decisions informed by a sense of justice, fairness, and integrity? The weeks leading up to my vote for impeachment totally drained me emotionally and spiritually. And I must admit that the process took a physical toll as well — in the bedroom, if you catch my drift. Let’s just say that for a while there I no longer deserved the nickname ‘Master and Commander’ when navigating between the sheets!” [The Senator’s wife, in attendance at the press conference, was captured on camera muttering “you can say that again” to no one in particular.]
“Here’s the way I see it as a practicing Mormon: If God had really wanted me to oppose a Supreme Court nomination this year, He would have spoken directly to me in the same way that He spoke to our Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in Salt Lake City in 1978, when He revealed that the Mormon Church needed to be a lot nicer to Negroes.
“Nothing like that happened at my house this past weekend, even though I kind of hoped it would. No doves appeared at my window, fluttering and speaking in tongues, urging me to do the right thing. I just ended up watching a lot of football on TV. Wow, did you see the end of that Cowboys-Falcons game?”
After the press conference, HarperCollins announced that the Senator would be replaced as editor of the second edition of John F. Kennedy’s famous book, Profiles in Courage, which is due to be published in May 2021. In contrast, the ABC television network has confirmed that Romney is still scheduled to be a contestant in the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. The Senator’s participation is contingent upon his full recovery from the serious injuries he suffered at the end of the press conference, when a small, slime-covered creature, resembling the newborn monster sausage from the first Alien film, burst violently from Romney’s chest cavity and quickly slithered off the stage and out of the briefing room. The creature has yet to be apprehended, but DC Police are confident they will be making an arrest soon. According to Police Chief Peter Newsham, “if there’s one thing we have plenty of experience with in the Nation’s Capital, it’s following trails of slime.”