GLZNORKOVAD, Freedonia. Niehls Upofniak, who rose from humble roots to become this nation’s equivalent of cable TV hit machine Slim Whitman, has died according to physicians at St. Wozniak the Great Lying-In Hospital. He was seventy-two according to official birth records, but with his perpetually-dyed hair, many fans believed him to be a forever young sixty-seven-year-old.
Shrine of Upofniak’s Greatest Hits, Vol. II
Upofniak fashioned his first guitar at the age of 6 from a cigar box and gut strings made from the intestines of a road-kill opposum, and was soon playing for change on the streets of Glznorkovad. “He built up quite a repertoire that kept his classmates in stitches,” noted his elementary school principal Mayia Oznokuvork. “‘I See Your Underpants So Much I am Bored,’ ‘I Am Following You To Bathroom Break,’ and other naughty favorites.”
Whitman: If you close your eyes and don’t listen, you can’t tell them apart.
A genius at promotion, Upofniak vaulted to the top of the Freedonian pop charts by titling his first self-produced album “Niehls Upofniak Greatest Hits Vol. II.” “The music writers of Freedonia were too embarrassed to admit they had overlooked him, so they all sang his praises, in many cases excessively so,” noted Lystrup Mrzigiak, the “dean” of Freedonian rock critics. “We now have double-blind testing with placebos in place to prevent such a fraud, but back then it was like the Wild West in the Freedonian music biz.”
“I Like the Cut of Your Tractor,” double-platinum single
It was Upofniak’s innovation to meld scenes of everyday agricultural chores with romantic yearnings that plucked the heartstrings of many a harried Freedonian maiden, drenched with sweat as she struggled to make stiff production quotas during the nation’s “Great 10 or Maybe 11-Year Leap Forward.” “I Love Work, I Could Watch You Do it for Hours” shot to #1 and stayed there for the better part of the 1957 flax harvest season:
I feel the warmth of your fanny
when I sit in your tractor’s seat,
Like a spanking new milking machine
I’d like to grip your teats.
Upofniak will lie in state in the rotunda of the Freedonian capital building “for as long as necessary in order for his many fans to pay their respects,” according to Minister of Culture Kalup Othogrok. “Or until the dry ice runs out, whichever comes second.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Hail, Freedonia!”