Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Ed Sheeran, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ed Sheeran faces planning battle over ‘unauthorized toilet’ at £3.3 million London Flat
The only throne he should be fined for is his cameo in Game of Thrones.
14 Penn State students charged for alleged cocaine-trafficking ring
… Looks like someone’s going from Penn State to the state pen.
Woman finds Nazi symbol etched in sandwich bun
She realized it when the bun overran her Belgium waffles.
Trump wants a ballroom in Ireland
Dad joke alert: So, when it comes to ballrooms, he’s Dublin down.
U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln leaves Middle East
All’s good just as long as it’s not to take in a night of theater.
Study says bacon is in the same carcinogen category as cigarettes
You might as well write a suicide note if you have smoked ham.
World’s oldest living person celebrates 117th birthday
Or, as it would have been known when she was born, CXVII. Well Done!
Michael B. Jordan & Raye get friendly on Six Flags outing
So, that would be Sex Flags: Magic Mounting.
California snake catches huge fish and devours it whole
Hmmm, you’d think Stephen Miller would have better table manners.
Federal agents seize devices from ex-Rep. Eric Swalwell in sexual misconduct probe, AP source says
Like the old saying goes “All’s well that ends Swalwell.”
Miami’s Lionel Messi fined by MLS for slapping opponent
… As opposed to not using hands and kicking the guy.
Is there a parallel universe that’s moving backwards in time?’
I believe the official scientific name for that is, “Mississippi.”
Jeanie Buss contests family sale of Lakers ownership stake to Bob Iger, Joshua Kushner
… This week on Dysfunctional Family Feud.
GreenWise Organic frozen blueberries just got the FDA’s highest-risk recall over E. coli
… Looks like the only things doing well in Trump economy are E Coli and E Jean.