After two months of self-imposed quarantine, it’s time to get back to work and try to save an economy that’s slipped backwards to medieval levels, with serfdom and jousting looming on the horizon. Here at Gerbil News Network your health and safety is a top priority, right after Durward Kirby and yogurt-covered raisins, and we would be remiss if we didn’t take every possible precaution to ensure that you do not fall victim to the most deadly plague to hit America since disco.
Durward Kirby: Our #1 priority.
Beginning today, we have implemented the following policies and procedures for ALL readers without exception, unless you want to upgrade to a “Platinum” membership for the low, low price of just $4.95 per month:
*Cute–but she coughed.*
Only one reader will be allowed on the site at a time in order to ensure proper “social distancing.” This is down from our previous daily average of 3.2.
Please use hand sanitizer on your keyboard and mouse. Also on your cat if he/she sleeps on your keyboard.
Please wait at your computer or hand-held device until summoned, do NOT enter the website until an attendant texts you–SMS charges may apply.
“Did I say you could come in yet?”
Please do NOT comment on any blog “post” unless you are wearing a surgical mask made in Freedonia.
“Is proper masking technique, yah?”
If you plan to get into a heated debate about a post relating to Mariah Carey’s mammary glands, you will be required to submit to a temperature check using a forehead scanner. If you are so low-brow that you don’t have a forehead, we will supply one.
“Is your temperature rising?”
All “archived” posts relating to Bigfoot have been sprayed for ticks and other disease-bearing insects. If you find one in your hair, use the mail-in rebate card to return it to us.
“Me like Mariah!”
You will be asked a few “screening” questions once you enter the site, and will be required to jump up and down on one leg and make a noise like your favorite animal in order to determine your resting heart rate, your body mass index, and your earned run average against left-handed batters. NOTE: The penguin is MY favorite animal, I saw it first.
We look forward to keeping you safe and confused with the fresh, family-friendly fake news content we have provided throughout the current crisis, and many more public health catastrophes in the future.
I like to stay home … but they made me come to work, anyway.