America will soon be returning to work from the tragic scourge of COVID-19, and Applied Widgetronix will be part of that national effort! Your safety and well-being is one of our primary concerns after top-line revenue and bottom-line profit (and executive bonuses!), so please take a few minutes out of your morning soap opera schedule to respond to our Return to Work Readiness Survey.
“Awesome–we’re all infected now!”
1. Are you interested in being part of the first cohort of employees to return to work despite the potential health risks involved?
___ Are you crazy? I’ve got 15 episodes of “Ozark Meth-Heads” left to watch on Netflix.
2. Please check all that apply:
___ I take public transportation.
___ I have a child who is driving me crazy and need to get out of the house NOW!
___ I am considered high risk for COVID-19, or suicide if my husband doesn’t wash his hair this week.
___ I do not plan to be a member of my own household once this is over.
“Social distancing is for losers.”
3. How efficient have you been working remotely?
___ More efficient than before, and the coffee is better at my house than in the lunch room.
___ Same, but I miss seeing Lurleen Wallace in those yoga pants that look like they were spray-painted on.
___ Less efficient than before, which I view as a major accomplishment.
“Sorry, dude. You’re Asian, we’re going to have to let you go.”
4. Would you feel comfortable returning to work with strict social distancing rules in effect?
___ Yes, the further away from the dorks I work with the better.
___ No, I would rather be transferred to a state where the beaches are open.
___ Can I use a sliding scale, I’d actually like to be closer to Lurleen Wallace’s desk if that can be arranged?
5. Would you be more or less willing to return to work if Widgetronix added a “Pajamas Thursday” to “Casual Friday.”
___ Yoga pants are technically pajamas.
Lurleen performing the Backward-Bending Nearsighted Crane.
6. Please describe your position at Applied Widgetronix:
___ Wage slave.
___ Mushroom (kept in the dark, shit thrown on me regularly).
Thank you! Your responses will be kept in strict confidence in the “GENERAL” file folder on the company’s word processing network and website!