With his legal challenges to the results of the 2020 Presidential election exhausted, Donald Trump’s bizarre journey through our lives took another astonishing turn on Monday, when he alleged that Queen Elizabeth II is his biological mother.
He broke the news to reporters just before heading out from his Mar-a-Lago retreat for a morning round of golf. His statement:
“Elizabeth was born in 1926, and I was born in 1946. You do the math. In the fall of 1945 the future Queen worked as a counselor at the Frozen Bear Youth Camp in Iqaluit, Canada, a city on Baffin Island. While there she met another counselor, Christopher Plummer — who would later portray Captain von Trapp in ‘The Sound of Music’ — and they had a brief affair. She got pregnant.
“Elizabeth’s family sent her to a Catholic convent in Bayonne, New Jersey under the assumed name of Cecilia Flezby, and she gave birth to me the following year. It’s inexcusable that Netflix deleted this chapter of her life from the first season of ‘The Crown’ due to pressure from the Royal Family.
“In any event, I’m two years older than Charles, the Queen’s dipwad son, so I’m the rightful heir to the British throne. I demand that she acknowledge me as her offspring, and then step aside immediately and let me take over as King. I look forward to working with Prime Minister Boris Johnson in 2021.”
On Tuesday evening the Queen addressed the President’s claim on the BBC Evening News, offering the following comment: “I am aware of Mr. Trump’s remarks. I would just like to say: WHAT…..THE…..F**K???”
For his part, Mr. Plummer, who is now 91, insists that he has no memory of engaging in a relationship with Elizabeth at the Frozen Bear Youth Camp: “I do vaguely recall shagging a number of young ladies at that camp back in 1945, but I don’t think she was one of them. On the other hand, at my age I can’t remember whether I had porridge or waffles for breakfast yesterday. Hey, it’s all good.”
President Trump plans to move his family to London on January 21, 2021. He told reporters: “It’s time to start rebuilding the British Empire!”