Still wearing the mask from his visit to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Saturday, President Trump robbed a 7-Eleven in the Northeast section of the District of Columbia last night.
The President took no cash during the crime, but walked away with a Hefty bag full of Cheetos, Ding Dongs, Yodels, Twinkies, Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes, fried pork rinds, and orange skin balm.
Although Trump was unarmed, several Secret Service agents pointed their guns at the store manager during the robbery.
The manager, Cecil “Robert E. Lee” Willoughby, was unfazed: “It was an honor to be robbed by the President of the United States! He was polite, but no-nonsense. He simply said, ‘I’m taking these because I can’. I’m definitely voting for him again in November.”
Unfortunately, when the President and his entourage exited the store, an 83-year-old black man, Maynard Nobbins, pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket and attempted to notify D.C. police of the robbery-in-progress. According to one of the Secret Service agents, “we mistakenly thought that Mr. Nobbins had unsheathed a rifle, so we proceeded to follow agency protocol and ‘Swiss-cheese’ him.”
Attorney General William Barr is overseeing the investigation of the death of Mr. Nobbins. “So far, it looks like an ‘honest shoot’,” says Barr. “The way the moonlight reflected off of the victim’s cell phone, it made the device look a lot longer than it really was.”