Starting to wonder whether those weird lights over the salt marsh aren’t swamp gas? Finding incisions in your body where you’ve never had surgery? You may need to talk to Your Alien Encounter Advisor.
Dear Alien Encounter Advisor:
We recently moved to a condo as our kids are grown and we are “empty nesters.” Other people in our complex are kinda careless about security and leave the gate to South Lamine Street unlocked, the mailman and the management company are the only ones besides owners who are supposed to be able to get in there.
Last Friday a being with a large head appeared at the outer door to units B-1 though B-12, I know that sounds like vitamins but it’s not. He said his name was Xzzix38 and he was from the Intergalactic Census Bureau. After he showed me a semi-official-looking badge he started right in asking a lot of nosy questions–how many people living in the house, how many toilets do we have, was our refrigerator running, etc.
Mr. Alien Encounter Advisor, I cut him off after that last one as I recognized it as a “gag” along the lines of “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” I told him I already sent in our census form so why was he here?
He got a little huffy after that, and said we were required by law to respond to his questions and he was going to report us. I don’t want to get in trouble as my husband Earl still owes some meals taxes from his kielbasa stand that failed, on the other hand the whole deal seemed fishy.
Mrs. Opal Welter, Ottumwa, Iowa
“We have a few questions to ask about your bodily fluids.”
Dear Opal:
I think I know the source of the misunderstanding. It is actually year 3000 in Gloxz8@/*, the parallel universe to ours, so your “census taker” and his questions were entirely legitimate. Be sure to go on-line at intergalacticcensusbureau.com to give Xzzix38 a “rave” review.
Dear Alien Encounter Advisor:
I do not believe in UFOs but my girlfriend Cherylynn does. This is becoming a major issue with us as she says she does not see a long-term relationship in the cards with someone who thinks she’s crazy. I don’t think she’s crazy, I think she’s bodacious.
I wrote to the romance advice columnist and she said “fake it ’til you make it” which seems dishonest to me, so I told Cherylynn “Let’s not let aliens come between us.” When she heard that her eyes got real big and she said “I think a three-way would spice up our love life.”
“If I told you you had a nice body would you hold it against me?”
I am only human so of course I got jealous when she said that, and she says “You’re being too possessive, our galaxy is just one of many, I’m not ready to make a commitment to one planet–I’m still young.”
Mr. Alien Encounter Advisor I am tired of the dating scene and want to settle down and have frequent sex without paying for a lot of drinks. What’s the best way to “corral” this gal?
Luke McGuire, Stillwater, Oklahoma
“Fine–we can do the Mongolian Cartwheel if it means that much to you!”
Dear Luke–
I feel for you, you seem so sincere. I would recommend that you purchase my Alien Lover (Male) Play-Mate costume, only $199.95 with mail-in rebate for Alien Encounter Advisor “Platinum” members. It’s a real turn-on, and Cherylynn will think you’re “out of this world”!
Dear Alien Encounter Advisor:
Settle a bet for me. I say the product of human-alien sex would be sterile, like the offspring of a horse and a donkey. Erroll, who works the next bay over here at Rapid-Lube, says no the baby could have alien grandchildren. We have agreed to abide by your decision.
George Norgaard, Bemidji, Minnesota
“make love to me handsome earthling.”
Dear George–
Happily, you’re both right–it depends on which solar system the female is from. Residents of those beginning with a vowel have an even number of chromosomes, those beginning with a consonant have an odd number. Add the total to a 46-chromosome human, then divide by the year of your birth. The result will be your high school locker combination, in case you forgot it.