Have you fallen for a man who wouldn’t pay a quarter to see an earthquake? Somebody who throws nickels around like they’re manhole covers? A fellow who checks the change slot whenever he passes a vending machine?
“We should be able to retire when we’re–let’s see–142.”
Finances are the most common source of arguments between husbands and wives, ranking far ahead of those started by questions such as “Why don’t you stop and ask directions?” and “Why didn’t you tell me you were bringing Ed Pendergast, Regional Vice President-Sales, home for dinner?” To get to the bottom of money issues before they fester and turn into a household fiscal contagion, ask Ms. He’s So Cheap for help!
Dear Ms. He’s So Cheap:
I recently had my first anniversary with “Ed,” a man who swept me off my feet at Bay State Job Lot in Seekonk, Mass. We made mad passionate love in a pit of styrofoam packing peanuts in the stock room after looking locks–I mean locking looks–over the discounted romance novels.
“Ed” asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted something special for the occasion and I grabbed him by the biceps and said in no uncertain terms “I want the gift that lasts a lifetime”–meaning a diamond ring, of course.
You know you want to . . .
When the day came he took me to lunch at Applebee’s and after we finished he slipped an envelope across the table at me. I said “What’s this?” and he said “Go ahead, open it up.” Well I did, and it was a gift certificate, the lower-priced entree was free. Since he had Prime Rib and I had the French Dip sandwich with Suzie-Q french fries that meant he only had to pay for his.
I gave him a “look” and said “Excuse me?” and he just said “What?” like he had no idea he’d done anything wrong. I said “I asked you for the gift that lasts a lifetime!” through my tears, and he said “Oh, my bad. I thought you said the gift that lasts a lunchtime.” Then he said sorry, took back the coupon and paid as if it was no big deal.
Ms. He’s So Cheap, I would like your opinion as to whether this was an “honest” mistake or a sign that I should not have a joint checking account with this man if we do get married, which is not at all a sure thing right now.
Sue Ellen Pfeiffer, Swansea, Mass.
Dear Sue Ellen:
There is a fine line between “cheap” and “thrifty” that is difficult, if not impossible to define when based on a miscommunication. Why don’t you take Ed to your local Sears Hearing Aid Center for a “fun hearing check-up” date. You may be surprised when you hear his reaction!
“So I threw out a deposit bottle–so what?”
Dear Ms. He’s So Cheap:
Settle a bet for me. My husband says it is okay to take soaps and shampoos from hotel rooms even if you have not opened up the package, he sold annuities for Modern Moosehead of Omaha for many years and claims this is the “rule of the road.” I say you are only allowed to take what you have used in the shower or whatever, as they would only have to throw it out after you left. We have agreed to abide by your decision.
Veneta Doogs, Otterville, Iowa
Four generations of the Schucter family have cleaned out the ice machine
Dear Veneta:
As with so many things in life, it depends. If you paid full-price for your room–no AAA or International Order of Oddfellows’ group discount–then by all means take whatever you want. If on the other hand you are with a tour group or large family reunion that is hogging the game room and emptying out the ice machine before other people have a chance at it, “courtesy” dictates that you take only one (1) bar of soap or shampoo bottle.
Dear Ms. He’s So Cheap:
I have been dating a high-powered tax lawyer at a big firm here and we agreed to go beyond “heavy petting” to you-know-what last spring right after tax season. Well, “Gary” was completely wiped out on April 16th and I have to say, I wonder what all the R-rated movies are about, there doesn’t seem to be much to this “sex” thing. Anyway, the day after Gary shows up and says next time will be better and gives me a present, which when I opened it up turned out to be two 8 1/2 by 14″ legal pads.
Ms. He’s So Cheap, I was wondering whether this is a tradition among tax professionals or mandated by IRS guidelines, as I would have expected flowers or candy for giving up what I have heard referred to as my “maidenhead” in an old Robin Hood movie.
Thanks for your time, I appreciate it.
Donna Vermeil, Wyandotte, Kansas
Dear Donna:
Count your blessings. Remember–you can only lose your virginity once, but “Gary” can keep you in legal pads as long as his license to practice is not revoked by your state bar authorities.
Dear Ms. He’s So Cheap:
Last Saturday night I had a first date at a “tablecloth” restaurant with “Lyle,” the guy who fixes the copy machines where I work, the County Recorder’s Office in Muskegeon. It turns out “Lyle” owns the machines and leases them to Opal Dufresne, who was elected to a four-year term in 2018 on the wave of anti-incumbent sentiment that swept the nation.
I am not used to eating in fancy restaurants as I can only afford fast food and take-out on my assistant clerk’s wages, but I was a little surprised that “Lyle” left only a $2 and a quarter tip on a $22.95 bill. “You don’t tip on tax,” he said. “You should know that, working in government as you do.”
Ms. He’s So Cheap, what is the rule in this regard? I do not want to question Lyle’s judgment, on the other hand I do not want to be beholden to him for groceries if he’s going to slice the lunch meat so thin, if you get my drift.
Before you come down too hard on “Lyle” I should tell you that I don’t have a lot of other prospects.
Peggy Hohimer, Auxvasse, Michigan
Singles Night, Elks Club, Wakefield, Mass.: Get off your derriere and out of your chair-ierre!
Dear Peggy:
I must side with Lyle on this one. If you tip on tax, where does the money go? Not to “vital” social services such as cowboy poetry festivals and Little Miss Sorghum contests. Government doesn’t bring the food to the table or clear the dishes or ask if you want coffee or dessert.
If you cannot see your way clear to agreeing with Lyle it may be the result of a deep-seated “big government” prejudice you have developed sitting on your derriere in your chair-ierre at that layabout County Recorder’s Office. Perhaps if you’d spend some time in the “private sector” answering stupid questions from sad sacks like yourself at minimum wage with no health or dental, you’d have a higher regard for Lyle and a lower opinion of yourself.
BTW, did you formally “break up” with Lyle and if so, could you send me his email?
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”