OTTAWA, Canada. Stunned by the Montreal Canadians’ five-game loss in the Stanley Cup finals, Canadian officials today devalued the nation’s currency against those of other hockey-playing countries, a move they hope will help reverse its declining fortunes in the sport.
Canadian doubles: Hardly seems fair.
“We cannot stand idly by while teams from Florida surpass us in the hockey arms race,” said Justin Trudeau, who a Google search reveals is Prime Minister of Canada. “Devaluation is a strategy that worked for us in tennis, where the rules of Canadian Doubles permit us to have an extra player on our side of the net.”
“The score is Tampa Bay 4, Montreal 2.37.”
The Canadian dollar is currently exchangeable into just 81 cents in American money, causing Canadian forwards to come up short against other hockey players. “I had an odd-man rush against Vasilevskiy in game five,” said Montreal right wing Josh Anderson of the Tampa Bay goalie, “but at current exchange rates that dropped to a one-on-one and he stoned me.”
The Canadian dollar is also referred to as the “loonie,” after the Canadian loon, an aquatic bird. A member of South Korea’s Unification Church is referred to as a “Moonie” after the late Reverend Sun Myung Moon, its founder.
Sun Myung Moon: A different kind of loonie
It has been twenty-eight years since a Canadian hockey team won the Stanley Cup, when Montreal defeated the Los Angeles Kings in 1993, four games to one. Canadian youngsters, who once would proudly display gaps in their teeth caused by blows to the mouth from flying pucks, are abandoning hockey for fencing, macrame and stamp collecting.
Macrame teddy: Why the puck shouldn’t they?
When a reporter pointed out that in order to correct Canada’s current hockey imbalance the country should technically revalue the loonie upwards rather than downwards, Trudeau was undeterred. “Higher, lower, whatever,” he replied. “If we screw up, we’ll get it right the next time.”
Wow, I never made the connection between the number of players on Canadian teams and their dollar’s value. I guess I just don’t pay attention.