Having recently endorsed the practice of wearing two masks in public to provide extra protection against COVID-19, the Centers for Disease Control has now taken the next logical step: encouraging everyone to wear THREE masks.
In a press conference on Friday, pandemic Superstar Dr. Anthony Fauci asserted, “if two masks work better than one, it only stands to reason that three would work better than two.”
When a reporter wondered aloud if wearing three masks could seriously interfere with a person’s ability to breathe, Dr. Fauci responded, “Of course it can — that’s the whole point. Breathing is one of the worst things you can do when you’re in the vicinity of air-borne COVID droplets. Our ultimate goal is to shut down inhalation completely.”
“But couldn’t that lead to suffocation?,” Fauci was asked.
“For the love of God, man, we’re fighting a pandemic here! Would you rather die from suffocation or from COVID? The first journey to the afterlife involves a few minutes of discomfort, while the second can entail weeks of agonized suffering in an isolation ward. This is a no-brainer. I know which one I’d choose.”
Fauci ended the press conference by stepping away from the lectern, removing his necktie, and unbuttoning his shirt to the navel. He then grabbed a handheld microphone and began to softly sing the Commodores lyric, “You’re once, twice, three times a lady” while holding a lit cigarette à la Frank Sinatra.
Confidential sources at the CDC confirm that the unrelenting pressure and stress of the year-long pandemic is taking a toll on the good doctor.
Once we all get to quadruple masking, our troubles will be pretty much over.