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Christmas comes early for Mariah Carey fans with this collection of holiday favorites from the winsome chanteuse who is always well-endowed, even in down years for stocks. Proceeds of the album, net of producer’s advances, producer’s royalties, and recoupable push-up bra expenses will go to charity, although Carey, who produced the album herself, can’t remember which one.
“All you want for Christmas is my two you-know-whats.”
“I get so sad when I hear of poor little kids stuck in the third world,” said Carey, who has sold more records than any female singer in history. “I mean, why can’t they come to earth? Can’t they at least let them go to the second world?”
Alfred Kinsey: “Gall wasps are starting to get boring. Maybe I should switch to the study of humongous ta-tas.”
Carey’s vocal range spans 8.5 octaves, which allows her to reach difficult notes such as Hi-C, a juice drink made by the Minute Maid division of The Coca-Cola Company.
“She is definitely a freak of nature, albeit a bodacious one,” said Alfred Kinsey, who abandoned the study of gall wasps when he first saw Carey perform “Vision of Love” on Saturday Night Live in 1990, thirty-four years after his death. “My theory is that she can hit those high notes because her large mammary glands cut off the flow of blood to her brain, resulting in squeaky sounds like air escaping from a balloon.”
“It’s ‘The Emancipation of Mimi’–let’s dance!”
The album is available in a “For Dogs Only” edition, on which Carey outdoes her normal vocal pyrotechnics to produce music audible only to canine ears. “If you’re a fan of Christmas music,” says Todd Duntzge, assistant manager of Pet World in Natick, Massachusetts, “the dog version is really better.”
You know, I thought it was sad that my dog is going death, but now I’m not so sure.