The NCAA has hit the ground running in 2022, announcing this morning its plans to have every four-year college and university in the United States participate in a bowl game following the 2023 season.
“Sure, it’s ambitious,” says NCAA President Mark Emmert, “but the timing couldn’t be better. In recent years the public has developed a ravenous appetite for college football. Viewers flock to broadcasts like a pack of starving lions running down a crippled wildebeest on the Serengeti.”
When asked if bowl games would be cheapened by including teams with losing records, Emmert was adamant. “If Foucault and post-modernism have taught us anything, it’s that win-loss records are nothing more than oppressive social constructions that prop up discredited, corrupt conceptions of ‘excellence’. As a society we need to move past these arbitrary numbers. What’s important is that there are over 2600 four-year colleges and universities in our nation, and each and every one of them deserves to be in a bowl game.”
After a reporter pointed out that some colleges don’t have football teams, Emmert responded, “not a problem. There are scores of young people on every campus in America — male and female — who want to experience the sweet brain rush of a helmet-to-helmet concussion on the gridiron. They’re sitting in their dorm rooms right now, playing Madden NFL 22, repeatedly whacking their unprotected skulls against doorknobs and bunk-bed posts in an attempt to capture that glorious sensation. Why shouldn’t they have a chance to experience the real thing?”
Sites for the more than 1300 bowl games to be contested in December 2023 will be announced this fall. Potential sponsors and advertisers are invited to contact the NCAA’s Office of Money-Laundering Operations in Indianapolis for details.
You mean we’re not there already? By the way, this is brilliant.