Chief Justice Roberts Delivers EPA Decision from Roof of Supreme Court Building as Melting Glacier Submerges DC Area

In a poignant scene rife with symbolism, the Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that the Clean Air Act does not give the EPA broad authority to regulate greenhouse gas emissions from power plants.

All nine justices stood on the roof of the Supreme Court building as Roberts read the decision, with rising waters lapping at the hems of their judicial robes.  The only other structure visible in the city as the raging Potomac River claimed the District of Columbia was the tip of the Washington Monument. 

Later, as the water approached his knees, the Chief Justice asserted that “we cannot let the crisis of the moment influence our interpretation of the Constitution.  That document says nothing about climate change, nor does it grant a federal agency the power to do anything about such a change.  I’m sorry, but principles are principles.”

At this point a rogue wave engulfed Justice Elena Kagan and swept her, screaming, from the roof.  Brett Kavanaugh, faced with the choice of reaching out to save her or continuing to embrace his six-pack of Coors Lite with both arms, opted to protect the beer.  “We could be here a long time,” he noted. 

Justice Amy Coney Barrett waved goodbye to Kagan, and asked if she would keep an eye out for Barrett’s seven children while she was drowning.  “Please text me if you see any of them.  I can’t recall if my husband and I ever taught the kids to swim,” she remarked wistfully.  “Darn, I really loved a couple of those youngsters.” 




Share this Post: