Healthy Plants Freak Me Out

We have an aloe plant in my kitchen that’s prospering nicely, and appears to be in perfect health. Not only that, but a couple of other houseplants are also green and healthy beside it.

I don’t know what to do with them.

Plants do just fine in places where they’re NOT supposed to be. For instance, this is my fire pit.


I’ve never had a healthy, growing plant before. It got so big, my wife transplanted into a larger pot — something I never thought I’d have to deal with. (She refused to let me touch it–a wise precaution.) Not that I don’t have a larger pot: I’ve got a whole graveyard full, piled in a corner of the garage. A plant transplant has never been an issue for me, because there’s no point in transplanting something dead.

To be fair, some plants want to kill me, especially anything colored yellow. After seeing my tests, my allergists told me to also avoid any plant colored red … or orange … or green.


So I should be happy, but frankly, it’s freaking me out. I’ve been having nightmares of the aloe plant taking over the house: sending roots all over, turning lights on and off, running up the phone bill. I keep waking up screaming, “It’s alive! IT’S ALIVE!” Usually the only thing that prospers in my house is the mouse population. Before you ask, no, I didn’t bury dead mice in the flower pots.

Volunteers take good care of flowers and plants around the courthouse square. The secret: I’m allowed to photograph them, but not touch them. There’s an actual town ordinance.


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