BOSTON. This city has long been known for its world-class teaching hospitals, but not so much for its fine dining options. “The Puritan tradition has been slow to die here,” says Andre Colcombe, head chef at Le Coq Qui Rit (“the laughing rooster”). “The first settlers thought that food was a form of punishment first, nourishment second, and flavor third.”
Massachusetts General Hospital: Not known for its fine cuisine.
But those two traditions have come together in a new restaurant in the city’s hospital district: Cólonôscopiè, French for the invasive operation that requires several days of bland food first, then a diet of liquids only, in order to facilitate an imaging test of the colon through one’s nevermind. “It is a stroke of genius,” wrote Phillipe Crustang, restaurant critic for Institutional Foods Monthly. “You begin with a seven-course dinner that compares with the best prison food, then move on to after-dinner drinks that recall the last days of a person stranded in a lifeboat.”
Two couples are seen at the maitre ‘d’s station this evening, Ronnie and Ruth Balser, the latter of whom has a colonoscopy scheduled in five days, and Jennifer and Jim Hansonbeck, the male half of which will go under anesthesia first thing tomorrow morning.
“Good evening and welcome to Cólonoscôpiè,” waiter Alain de Planchette says to the Balsers. “Have you ever dined with us before?”
“No, I only get a colonoscopy once every five years,” Ruth Balser replies.
“Excellent. Would you like to hear our specials tonight?”
“Sure,” Ronnie Balser replies.
“Tonight we are featuring white bread, mashed potatoes and overcooked carrots.”
“Yum,” Ronnie says sarcastically to his wife, whose face is a picture of distaste. “I think I’ll have the prime rib.”
For the Hansonbecks, the sexes are reversed but the results are the same. “Could I have a Caesar salad, a glass of chardonnay, and the pork tenderloin,” Jennifer says.
“Excellent choice madame. And for you, monsieur?”
Jim Hansonbeck scours the right-hand side of the menu, where the options for those about to have their bodies poked and prodded are listed. “I think I’ll start with some clear broth.”
“Very good. And for your entree?”
“Is the lime Jell-O fresh?”