VATICAN CITY. Pope Francis I today named Wladislaw Orzacg, a Polish brewer-bishop, as a candidate for canonization as the Patron Saint of Light Beer.
“We’re all out of the IPA–would you like something lighter?”
“The requisite number of miracles having been associated with hees-a name, it is time that ‘Wlad’ be recognized for hees-a contributions to making the world a better place,” Francis said through a spokesman for his beadle in the stage-Italian accent that all Popes are required to use under Roman Catholic canon law.
Orzacg achieved the third of three required miracles recently when Mike Timmons of Brighton, Massachusetts, invoked the 16th century Archbisop of Krakow in the throes of a hangover from a “TGIF” party. “Dear Wlad,” Timmons prayed inwardly yesterday morning after an epic drinking bout that began with shots of Irish whiskey, proceeded to Bud tallboys and ended with blackberry brandy, “I swear to Our Lord Jesus Christ if you allow me to open my eyelids and peel my tongue off the roof of my mouth, I’ll never drink nothin’ but light beer again.”
“Wlad-is-law! Wlad-is-law!”
Timmons recovered and reported his miracle to the pastor at St. Columbkille’s Parish, where he is an infrequent communicant. “Haven’t seen you since First Holy Communion,” said Father Francis Xavier Lauderk, “but I seem to recall something from my seminary days about rejoicing over lost sheep.”
The term “light” beer refers to beer with reduced alcohol content or calories by comparison to regular beers. Orzacg is credited with its invention or discovery when, in 1549, he poured water in a wooden keg of pilsener in order to avoid running out of potable beverages at a bachelor party.
“Hmm, regular or light–which is better? Probably should drink both.”
The Polish prelate was previously credited with saving the marriage of Cyndi Hodges of Battle Creek, Michigan, who had succumbed to the sin of acedia–mental sloth–following a round of congratulatory engagement parties that left her with a size 10 figure after she had been fitted for a size 8 bridal gown. A switch to light beer and an intensive “Zumba” exercise class regimen enabled her to restore her figure to its previous dimensions, a development that she attributed to supernatural intervention. “Dear God in heaven!” she exlaimed on the morning of her wedding, “it’s a freakin’ miracle!”
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