Texas Governor Defends Decision to Use School Lunch Funds to Arm All First-Graders

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is facing blistering criticism after announcing his “SHOOT FIRST, EAT LATER” initiative that will commence this fall in the Lone Star State’s public school system.  The program will give every first-grader a loaded .22 pistol on the first day of school to ensure his or her safety.  In order to pay for the initiative, the Governor will divert funds from the statewide school lunch program.

In Governor Abbott’s  words, “munching on a PB&J sandwich and an apple doesn’t make much sense if there’s an active shooter in the classroom and you don’t have the hardware to defend yourself.”

Most Texas parents are outraged by the Governor’s action, but Abbott is adamant:  “I admit that supervising first-graders during recess will be a challenge when they’re using live ammo while playing Cowboys and Injuns or Remember the Alamo, but we’ve got to keep the big picture in mind here.  The best response to a bad guy with a gun is a classroom filled with six-year-olds armed to the teeth.  And when the smoke clears, we’ll celebrate with the kids and their parents at a big ol’ barbecue over at the Governor’s mansion.  Yee-haw!”


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