USA Today Headlines – ‘Ukrainian President Zelensky To Meet Wednesday With Biden’

USA Today Headlines – ‘Ukrainian President Zelensky To Meet Wednesday With Biden’

USA Today (Their actual headline above) announced that Ukrainian President Zelensky would apparently be meeting with Wednesday and American President Biden. This news has stumped the world press as to why Biden would bring a young and rather strange girl into such a high level meeting, especially one with such macabre tastes as Miss Wednesday.

All matter of rumors have come about because of this strange alliance. Some say that Biden is intending to have Wednesday run as his Vice President in the next campaign instead of Harris, a possibility that would be odd since Wednesday is only 16 years old. But then again, everything about Miss Wednesday is odd to begin with. The Republican contenders are already sharpening their claws to do battle with her which they might really need because Miss Wednesday was born with already sharpened claws.

Scandal magazines have jumped on the story with wild imaginings of her being Biden’s secret lover who he is now introducing to the public. Weird tales of nightly orgies with boiling kettles of various organs from various strange creatures being quaffed and rubbed on naked skin have surfaced. Biden constantly denies such allegations while Miss Wednesday looks askance with a devious tilt to her smile, if you could call that look on her face a smile. His only comment to the press was “I just wish that creepy hand thing would get lost!” Meanwhile Jill Biden violently slams the phone down on any reporters calling to verify such an accusation.

On the other hand Ukrainian news organizations have stated that Zelensky has hired her as a specialist on dark versions of revenge and ways in which to seriously creep out the advancing Russian troops. Again, when questioned on this factor Miss Wednesday still just emotes a weird, blood thinning half smile. Even more strangely, when Zelensky was questioned about it, he had a very creepily similar smile.

It seems that even the Russian media, as repressed as it may be, has taken note of this development. The official newspapers ridicule Biden for bringing a young girl to such a forum while more crowd pleasing publications also suggestively speak of an underaged relationship going on Monica Lewinsky style. At the same time it was found out by secret sources that the people making such rumors were suddenly struck with bad cases of facial warts, some of them of more protuberance than their noses. Nastier accusations seemed to meet with even more warts in more embarrassing places.

When told of this odd triple alliance Russian President Putin was out hunting shirtless again in the woods near his dacha. When a camera recording his macho grandeur was able to pick up his words at the announcement that Wednesday was who Zelensky was meeting, it could be seen that Putin instantly turned an even paler shade of pasty white than normal and snorted out a horrified, “ Oh God, not HER!!!” in the starkest of absolute horror. He then was then seen to be galloping full speed back to his barn, a long yellow streak appearing on his badly sweating back.

On the other hand, upon hearing the situation, former President and tax fraud expert Donald Trump immediately sought her out to help with his campaign saying “She has just the qualities I need to help me steal……er…win this next election! I could use a girl like that ! And in a few years when she develops a bit more, who knows what else could happen!”

In the meantime, those of us in the press profession just hope and pray that younger and less dodgy candidates come along to try and fill the Presidential shoes.