Ask Mr. Lizard

Lizards make great pets, don’t eat much, and are a handy tool to keep people from coming into your room.  Got a question about your precious little reptile?  Ask Mr. Lizard!


Dear Mr. Lizard–

I have a komodo dragon who is a wonderful companion during my “single” years.  I feed “Ethel” a “spring mix” of salad greens that I get at a natural food grocery store, then top with a vitamin supplement.  I mean, I top the greens with the supplement, not Ethel.

Lately Ethel has shown signs of restiveness and “ennui.”  When I place her bowl in front of her, she scrambles for the screen door and looks longingly out of it (P.S.–I am working towards my low-residency M.F.A. in poetry!)  Is there something more I should be feeding her?  I would hate for her to become disaffected like so many of my fellow students.

Yours truly,

Elizabeth Stansky, Bridgeport, Connecticut

Dear Elizabeth–

I think you have been misinformed.  Komodo dragons are carnivorous, and need to be fed a daily diet of mice and other small rodents in order to maintain their healthy sheen and positive outlook on life.  For the time being your risk of attack is low as Ethel may simply be suffering from low blood sugar due to her inadequate diet, but if she starts to write confessional poetry–look out!


Dear Mr. Lizard–

I have a bearded dragon who I call “Butch” that I keep in my bedroom.  I will admit, I got him to scare the beejezus out of the pansy-ass liberal arts majors at my school, where I am majoring in business.  I love taking Butch down to the quad and frightening the golden retrievers and the other students.  I don’t mean the golden retrievers are students, we aren’t that far gone but we’re close.

Anyway, whenever I have a girl over to my apartment and am about to get some “action” they freeze up when they come in my room and see Butch.  I try to get them to pet him so they can see he’s harmless, but when they do Butch turns black which gives him an air of menace.

How can I get Butch and my dates to get along?  They are both important to my life.


Scott Wenge, Champaign-Urbana, Illinois

“Who you callin’ slimy?”

Dear Scott–

Bearded dragons only turn black during rivalry challenges with other males.  Maybe you need to date girls with longer hair or more makeup.

Bearded dragon:  “No I haven’t shaved today.  I’m going for the stubble look.”

Hey Mr. Lizard–

I am having an argument with my landlord about Buddy, my gecko.  The landlord came in last Saturday, he said he wanted to check the windows for leaks, but when he saw Buddy he said “Hey–no pets!  It’s in the lease.”

I am a law student and so know my rights as a tenant.  I said Buddy wasn’t a pet, he was a member of my family, and pointed the landlord to Section 17 of the lease, which allows for occupancy by up to two (2) tenants.  My girlfriend moved out, so I figured that argument was a winner.

The landlord says he is going to take me to housing court, so I have initiated proceedings to adopt Buddy and make our familial relationship formal.  My question is this: is it a conflict of interest for me to represent both myself and Buddy, because I don’t think he would qualify for Legal Aid.

All rights reserved,

Burton S. Weiner, Brighton, Mass.

Dear Burton:

Thankfully, the right of indigent lizards to representation at public expense was upheld by a divided Supreme Court in the case of Sparky the Chameleon v. Belle Vista Rey Apartments II, LLC.  As long as Buddy earns less than the median household income for your zip code (excluding the cost of crickets and warming lamp) his defense is on the public dime.  As the old saying goes, the chameleon who represents himself has a lizard for a client.   

Share this Post: