With the conviction of Sam Bankman-Fried and the collapse of his cryptocurrency exchange FTX, investors in GerbilCoin have bombarded administrators with questions, many of them rhetorical, such as “Do you honestly think you can get away with this?”
Due to the volume of queries and the depressing regularity of certain violent themes we have created this handy “Frequently Asked Questions About GerbilCoin” guide to distract you while we travel to a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S.
Is the money I invested in GerbilCoin safe?
You betcha! With modern technology all investor funds are far beyond the reach of our creditors. We will be using them to enjoy life to the fullest, which has always been the vision of GerbilCoin’s founders.
Are GerbilCoins backed by any traditional assets?
Of course. Each GerbilCoin is readily convertible into gerbils at a floating exchange rate, currently 0.000855 gerbils per coin.
How do you divide up a gerbil?
It isn’t easy, but thankfully PETA wastes its time going after social gala dinner guests who wear furs.
The kind with the little animal heads that creep people out?
Precisely. We would never do a thing like that.
Can you explain the algorithm GerbilCoin uses?
If I could, I would’ve made money honestly.
I’d like to sue you–who is your lawyer?
Sorry, we already thought of that. Cryptocurrencies are based on “smart contracts” that bypass traditional intermediaries such as banks and lawyers.
So how do you . . .
We already have your money, sucker.
I read that the highly-successful cryptocurrency “Dogecoin” was originally intended as a joke. How are you different from them?
We take the business of fleecing investors very seriously.
Other cryptocurrencies have been used to raise funds for charities and good causes. Are you doing anything like that?
Charity begins at home.
Do you plan on sponsoring an entry in any NASCAR races like Dogecoin?
Our view is that people only go to NASCAR to see the wrecks. With GerbilCoin they can log onto their computer and see their investments crash in real time, in the comfort of their homes.
Do you plan on mining additional GerbilCoins or is there a “hard cap” on total supply?
As P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.
How about celebrity endorsements–Dogecoin has Snoop Dogg, for example.
Our celebrity rapper was killed in a drive-by shooting. We’re looking for a singer in a less-risky genre, such as Mormon-rock supergroup The Osmonds.
I thought you said this guide was supposed to be helpful.
Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.