Tired of Waiting for NATO Membership, Ukraine Joins the NCAA’s Southeastern Conference

In a move that has stunned the worlds of both international politics and college athletics, Ukraine announced on Sunday that it has joined the Southeastern Conference (SEC) of the NCAA. 

“To hell with NATO, this is a win-win,” asserted Ukraine President Volodmyr Zelenskyy.  “Using the transfer portal, we will be able to recruit many beefy linemen from powerhouses like Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana State University to battle the Russian devils who have viciously attacked our country.  In return, the SEC will have the honor of being the first NCAA conference to expand to Europe.  ESPN has promised to send us many, many tanks, as well as a baker’s dozen of F-16 fighter jets by January 2024. 

“Russian swine, you should leave our homeland NOW while you still have the chance.  In a few months, there will be 380-lb. defensive tackles sitting on your puny little faces as you struggle in vain to breathe.  These student-athletes grew up in Mississippi strangling badgers for fun.  HAH!”