The Really Odd Couple- A New Version Of The Famous Play
True basic facts- Tough guy actors Charles Bronson and Jack Klugman were once roommates. Charles was the tall, silent, not-so-handsome rough guy type and Klugman was the loud mouthed, athletic, also not-so-handsome type. How they interacted with each other in real life is not well known. In the TV show ‘The Odd Couple’ Klugman played the tough, obnoxious sports host to Tony Randall’s momma’s boy, clean freak nerd based upon the popular Broadway show from the ‘60’s. With Charles replacing Tony, how they would have inter-reacted to each other is anyone’s guess. Here is mine:
Script for ‘The Really Odd Couple’
The show opens with Klugman bursting into the room, throwing his sports sack into the middle of the floor and healing straight to the fridge. He digs through it, pushing stuff onto the floor as he does.
“Hey Charlie! Didja see my reuben sandwich in here! It was here this morning!”
“Is that that brown one that smelled real funny?” yells Bronson from the bathroom.
“Probably!” yelled Klugman back.
“What was that smelly, weird white stuff in it?”
“That is sauerkraut! Don’t tell me you chucked it?!”
“Yeah!” stated Bronson. “I thought somethin’ was wrong with it!”
Kugman looks deeply disappointed. “Man! You tossed it?! I just bought it this morning!”
Bronson pokes his head around the corner. “It smelled pretty funky. What is that stuff anyway?”
“You don’t know what sauerkraut is??? Damn man! Are you from way out in the sticks?”
Bronson looks askance, puzzled and amused by this. “Yeah, I am! I told you already I am from the backest of the backwoods in the coalfields of Pennsylvania. My dad dies when I was young and I had to go work the mines to have any sort of money whatsoever. We didn’t even know what food was. We ate wood chips for breakfast and supper…..when we had supper! And they definitely smell better than that ‘angry kraut’ of yours!”
“Sauerkraut!” stated Klugman back. “It was invented by the Germans”
“So that is how it got the funny name! I had enough fightin’ the Germans in WW2. No wonder they was so ornery if that is what they had to eat! Was what you had from one of the original batches back when it was invented?”
Klugman is taken somewhat aback by this. “It is a famous food. Sauerkraut is cabbage that is fermented in water and salt for months before being eaten.”
“Wow! And I thought eating wood chips was bad! That would make any Kraut sour! What else do they put on this sandwich?”
“Corned beef.”
“It is bad enough they killed the cow to make it, then they bury him in this stinky stuff!”
“All right! All right! So you threw my sandwich out. You don’t have to make it worse by making fun of it.”
“But there is so much there to make fun of!”
Klugman looks at him. “And what do your people eat, may I ask? You are what nationality again?”
“Lithuanian!” Bronson says with a slight defensiveness at this.
“Where is that again? Canada?”
“No! Try Europe!” says Bronson humorously derisively.
“And what is their main foods?”
“Cold beet soup is a good one.”
“Cold beet soup? Isn’t Lithuania close to Russia?”
“Yeah.”
“Isn’t Russia cold?”
“Yeah.”
“Are your mothers trying to kill you off by giving you cold beet soup in the winter to eat?”
Bronson thinks for a moment. “Hmm, that could be!” He reaches for something in his room. “Here is a picture of it.”
Klugman looks at it. “It is pink!”
“So?”
“What kind of a guy is going to eat pink soup? It not only freezes you from the inside out, it turns you gay as hell as well!”
Bronson laughs. “I had that to eat or nothing some days! And I am not gay!”
Klugman looks him over. “I guess not! What is it called?
”Šaltibarščiai!”
Klugman contemplates this for a moment. “Your people spend a lot of time working on these names over there, don’t they?”
“Probably. There isn’t much else to do in the winter there. Hey, why do you throw yer gym bag here in the middle of the room?”
“I’m tired after being at the gym. I couldn’t throw it any further.”
“Why do you do that? Am I supposed to clean up after you like I’m your momma?”
Klugman ponders Bronson for a moment. “You know, you do look somewhat like her……”
Bronson gives him a foul look. “Am I supposed to breastfeed you too?”
“God, I hope not! That would be a dry well!”
Bronson shakes his head. “You are a warped person. No wonder you ain’t married.”
“Nah, being warped has nothing to do with it. Being poor does.”
“Maybe your looks have something to do with it.”
Klugman is speechless for a moment. “My looks? You ain’t exactly Prince Charming yerself there fella! You look like you got kissed by a bulldozer!”
“I did!”
Klugman looks at him amazed. “You did?”
“Yeah, and I punched it back. Put that puppy out of business.’
‘Oh, come on!”
“I did! Here!” He pulls an old newspaper out of a drawer. Headlines state “Bronson Punches Bull Dozer. Stops Road Construction For a Week.”
Klugman reads it over in wonder. “Bulldozer In Critical Condition.’ Damn, man, you are one tough guy!”
“It comes from being in really tough situations. Born into a family of 14 kids. Dad dies young, probably from too much intercourse. Have to go to work diggin’ coal for $1 a week. Later got 50 cents extra for drilling in tunnels where a collapse could happen.
Went into the military and flew 35 missions over Europe and got the purple heart for injuries in an attack. Then, the toughest of all- I went to Hollywood and had to work my way up the ladder. Man! That was a killer!”
“Well, you ain’t there yet. You have yet to become the highest paid actor in the world at the time. But that is still years ahead”
Bronson is stopped by this. “How would you know that?”
“I can time travel. It is a hobby of mine. You will go on to make several classic films, marry a beautiful British woman, make a very famous and popular movie series about a vigilante assassin and go on to live to an old age. But you are not supposed to know any of that.” Klugman pulls out a weird looking pen like the Men In Black use in their movies when they want to erase a memory from someone, dons a pair of dark glasses and flashes it in front of a startled Bronson. It flashes, leaving Bronson dazed for a moment.
Klugman continues on. “Now what was it you were saying?”
Bronson is still a bit dazed. “Um…..something about having had a hard life……..”
“Oh, yeah!” Bronson continues, “ I once had to play Igor for Vincent Price in a movie called House Of Wax. Now THAT was creepy!………….”