Hot ‘n Sexy With the New FDIC

An audit of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation by an outside law firm exposed years of sexual harassment of junior females by senior males.

It’s Friday at the FDIC, the federal agency that stands behind the bank deposits of every man, woman and dog in the good ol’ U.S. of A., so in addition to the usual horsing-around, hijinks and grab-ass, it’s time to crank things up a notch.


I’m thinking maybe lunch at a strip club, or fiddling around with one of the more buxom young bank examiners. After all, I’m twice the age and twice the pay grade of some of the bodacious babes that we’ve hired in our dogged efforts to achieve “diversity.” Our job is to protect the life savings of widows and orphans, not to mention the uninsured deposits of high-flying institutions that cater to tech billionaires and big political donors, like Silicon Valley Bank, and a little eye-candy helps to keep red-blooded lifers like me awake. The FDIC can never sleep–unless it’s with a junior employee who has humongous knockers and is looking to claw her way up the org chart over the backs of less attractive colleagues.

I decide to get things rolling with a photo of my “private” parts–ha! Maybe private at a boring federal agency like the Department of Defense, which has to be ready to attack an off-brand ally of a despotic regime, or Health and Human Services, with all their goo-goo female watchdogs to monitor the natural, free-flowing erotic office interactions between employees that keep the engines of bureaucracy running smoothly–but not at the new Hot ‘n Sexy FDIC!

I shoot my “dick pic” over to Estelle de Bourgeois–hey, I’m no Marxist with their shopworn prejudices against the bourgeoisie! Thanks to my government-issued cellphone it will be the work of a second to send an image of my crown jewels winging their way to Estelle. She works on the same floor as me but for some reason uses the ladies’ room in another building. Maybe she just hasn’t sniffed the manly scent given off by my Brut Soap-on-a-Rope–but I’ll get her yet!

Oops–almost forgot to include a personal note. Hmm–let’s see, can’t come on too strong due to our onerous–and completely unnecessary!–“Dignity in the Workplace” policy. Gotta keep it professional. How about–“Dearest Estelle, hope you’ll accompany me to my upcoming on-site examination of First, Third, Shortstop Savings & Loan. There’s not much to do in Osawatomie, Kansas, and we can save the taxpayers money by sharing a room!”

Totally professional–nobody can fault me for such a bland statement of shared institutional purpose.

Well, better get to work, emails are piling up. Let’s see, what’s going on: violations of Tier III capital ratios (*yawn*), new Code of Federal Regulations sections, upsurge in bank robberies–they don’t pay me enough to care about this crap!

Here’s one from a fellow “F-DICKER”–Chuck in Enforcement. “Want to grab Chinese for lunch?” Being an aggressive alpha-male type unlike the pansies in the back office, Chuck has a hunger that could cast a shadow at high noon.

“Chuckles,” I respond, chuckling to myself. “You’ve got to expand your culinary horizons. The waitresses at Happy Luck Panda wear standard-issue uniforms, the gals at ‘Pho Sho’ wear string bikinis–the choice is yours.”

“Ha ha good one,” Chuck replies. “I don’t know much about Vietnamese cuisine so maybe I can get one of the ‘gals’ to bend over and help me with the menu.”

“You horn dog!” I respond. “See you at 11:30.”

“Why so early?”

I roll my eyes so hard it hurts. “Sometimes, Chuck, I wonder if your mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby. Rush hour for federal bureaucrats in D.C. starts at 2:30–do you want to be stuck in traffic forever?”

“Right, right. Meet you in the lobby.”

Well, at least I’ve got something to look forward to on this, the Day That Drags On the Longest. Between then and now I have to find some work, or at least look busy.


I suppose I should tackle this stack of performance reviews that threatens to crash through the floor unless I can get the guys in office maintenance to add structural supports beneath my desk. Let’s see, Mindy Arlington–which one is she? Oh, right, the one Chuck says looks like a “grizzly bear with tits.” I thought that was unfair–after all, female grizzly bears have tits too! I fill in the little circles with a #2 lead pencil–I want to be able to change a rating in case one of the “gals” agrees to let me come over to her apartment for some “overtime” perusal of community bank call reports.

“Mindy is not performing at the level expected of a junior field manager and should consider joining a health club as she is currently TFTF (too fat to fuck),” I begin with admirable asperity. “I have made several suggestions as to how she might improve her chances of promotion, such as switching to Diet Coke and washing my F-100 pickup in a wet t-shirt, but she has not accepted my career guidance.”

I’ll make a copy and show it to Mindy–maybe she can finally “get a clue” and lose her loser attitude–you can’t expect to get anywhere in life if you turn down sexual advances from superiors!


Enough negativity, time to turn back to what we’re here for–you can’t spell “fun” without the “F” in “FDIC”!

Think I’ll see how Eric in Accounting is doing. “Eric,” I tap on my phone, “we’re going to a strip club Monday to celebrate National Federal Bureaucrats Day–you in?”

I see a little bubble with dots in it, so I know he’s texting me back.


“Which one?” appears on my screen.

“The Golden Sausage.”

“Sorry–I’m banned for life there.”


“They called it ‘inappropriate touching’ of an ‘exotic dancer,’ but I say as a federal bank examiner I need unfettered ability to inspect a woman to determine whether she is ‘well-endowed’ or has ‘artificially inflated assets.’”

That’s Eric for you–totally committed to the FDIC’s mission, which is–we could make more in the private sector, so we’re entitled to fool around a little. Or a lot.

“That’s tough,” I say. “Thank God our friends in Congress have our backs, otherwise crackpot proposals for private deposit insurance might get some traction.”

“We have friends in Congress?”

“Well, not many right now because of all the skirt-chasing and sexual harassment we’re involved in, but a few.”

“Like who?”

“Feminist heroine, Elizabeth Warren!”

See Report for the Special Review Committee of the Board of Directors of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation–so hot it’s almost NSFW anywhere but the FDIC.

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