Engorged with confidence after voting on Tuesday to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, House Republicans have charged Vice President Kamala Harris with practicing the Satanic art of witchcraft.
According to House Speaker Mike Johnson, the charge is based on the sworn testimony of Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert. Boebert claims that “on Sunday night I was watching TV with my cat Tweekums while Ms. Harris was being interviewed on the evening news. When I woke up the next morning, Tweekums was dead. It was horrible. That woman put a curse on my cat.”
Experts view Boebert’s account with skepticism. Alastair Cribb, Dean of the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University, notes that Tweekums was 17 years old and blind. “A cat of that advanced age could die suddenly from any number of causes, only one of which is a witch’s curse,” he says.
Boebert is adamant that Harris is responsible for the tragedy: “You should have seen the way the Vice President stared at Tweekums through the TV screen. Tweekums couldn’t look away; he was mesmerized. I couldn’t even distract him with my laser pointer. Now he’s deader than a flattened armadillo on a Texas interstate, and I’m stuck with 200 cans of Fancy Feast in my cupboard. I demand justice. I always knew the Biden administration was evil, but what sort of monster deliberately kills an innocent cat? A she-devil witch, that’s who!”
VP Harris responds, “It’s a witch hunt!”