Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the movie Groundhog Day, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
‘Groundhog Day’ cast reunites 31 years after movie was released
‘Groundhog Day’ cast reunites 31 years after movie was released.
‘Groundhog Day’ cast reunites 31 years after movie was released.
Record snow fall all over the East and Midwest
It has to confuse the Alt Right. They dig all the white but hate getting their asses buried by snowflakes.
Elmo’s viral tweet sparks an existential crisis among his followers
Elmo not tickled by response.
Biden campaign ridicules Trump on Truth Social
Which mean fives of people will see it.
Fugitive Kaitlin Armstrong caught after answering ad for a yoga instructor
Well, at least she’s used to being in uncomfortable positions.
Mitt Romney says lawmakers should get paid even more than $174,000 so that lawmakers stop sleeping in their offices
A-Ha! So, they ARE sleeping on the job!
Activists splatter ‘Mona Lisa’ with soup in Louvre Museum in Paris
So, it’s DaVinci meets Andy Warhol …
Nikki Haley blames Barack Obama for race, gender ‘division’ in America
Also, long division, NFL divisions, tank divisions, and divisions separating cubicles
George Carlin’s estate sues over ghoulish AI routine
You just know George would have more than seven words you can’t say on TV about this AI imposter.
Ben Affleck’s embarrassed ancestors owned slaves
If they could watch Gigli, they’d all be even.
Tucker Carlson’s in Russia
… Must be time for this season’s premier of ‘Dancing with the Tsars.’
Groundhog Day 2024: Punxsutawney Phil does not see his shadow
While Rand Paul’s toupee saw its shadow, which means six more weeks of conspiracy theories.
Private yachts, occasional wife-swapping, and over-the-counter Ozempic: the secret lives of expats
Or, a meeting of Moms for Liberty? You decide.
Travis Kelsie going to another Super Bowl, gets the girl
… Blame the vaccine …