On Wednesday, President-elect Donald J. Trump made good on his promise to award Robert F. Kennedy Jr. a prominent place in his administration. Mr. Kennedy will become the first Secretary of the Department of Trephining, an agency that will replace the Centers for Disease Control.
Trephining is the ancient surgical practice of drilling a hole in the human skull for medical purposes. Kennedy notes that it has been successfully used over the centuries to cure such ailments as strep throat, gum disease, infertility, eczema, navel lint, butt-based cellulite, male pattern baldness, athlete’s foot, and multiple-personality disorder.
“Trephining is also more effective than vaccines at preventing influenza,” claims Kennedy, “especially if you insert a new hole every six months. And, of course, if it wasn’t for trephining, I never would have gotten that pesky parasitic worm out of my brain.”
It is expected that Ace Hardware stores across the country will begin offering no-cost trephining in March 2025. “No Head Too Small, No Head Too Large, that’s our motto,” proclaims Ace Hardware CEO John Venhuizen. “And you get to take the drill bit home with you as a souvenir after every visit.”