The unnamed, twice impeached, convicted felon and former president goes to his happy place – Episode 521, 897, 775, 412, 110, 896, 078, 114…

Donald Trump went to his happy place.

“Some people call me a one trick pony but I’m not a pony, I’m a dinosaur. I’m a Trumpasauras Rex. ROAAAAAAR. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, why do people leave your rallies early? It’s true. I tell them that people leave my rallies early to get to the next rally on time. They then leave the next rally early to get to the next rally ahead of time and then they leave that rally early to get Hannibal Lecters autograph because he’s real. He definitely is real. When I become king again, there will be a 12,000% tariff on anyone who listens to David Bowie’s “China Girl”. Anyone who watches “The China Syndrome”, the 1979 American disaster thriller film directed by James Bridges and written by Bridges, Mike Gray, and T. S. Cook will also be hit by a 120,000% tariff.  Anyone who plays “Chinese Whispers” the internationally popular children’s game in which messages are whispered from person to person and then the original and final messages are compared, will also be hit with a 1,120,000% tariff. I have a friend who works for me and he said, sir, an actor friend of his friend told him that Kamala Biden Harris is putting drugs in the water supply in Gotham. It’s true. He also heard from a reliable source that Kamala Biden Harris Walz is going to change the name of Crazy Golf to Laura Loomer Golf. It’s true. ROAAAAAAR. Has anyone heard of windmills? Windmills are killing the birds. The illegal alians are coming into our country and throwing windmills at the birds. It’s true. JD saw it with his own imagination. I’m leading in all the poles. The Donald Trump Jr. pole has me leading by 52 billion percentage points. The Laura Loomer pole has me leading by 786.98 billion percentage points and a large Diet-Coke. Fox News send me a blank pole and I just write in any number I think of and it becomes official. The other poles are prone to exaggeration so I ignore them. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what is your favorite thing about Leon Musk and I tell them, my favorite thing about Leon is his money. He has lots of money and if there’s one thing Trump likes more than money, it’s imagining that there was a live audience at the TV debate when there wasn’t. It’s true. Does anyone know if the vampire guy who counts on Sesame Street is doing anything in November? I’m on the lookout for some more puppets. I ask a lot of people, I say, losers, why are you always complaining about the price of gas? I tell them, why don’t you get your chauffeur to drive you to your rallies? Problem solved. I’m going to tell you something I haven’t told anyone else before. Remember where you where when you heard this. I’ve never said this to anyone before – Hannibal Lecter is real. It’s true. Everyone knows about the elekshun infeterence in the last elekshun but nobody seems to be talking about the elekshun infeterence in the next elekshun. If I lose, it’s because of elekshun infeterence but if I win, it will be the fairest elekshun in the history of history. ROAAAAAAR. Some of you might remember my perfect call with Brad Raffensperger where I asked him to find 11,780 votes to overturn the elekshun. This time out, I’m awarding myself 11,780 votes before the elekshun. I have all the smarties. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, have you ever seen the space ships that the illegal alians use to pick up their take-away cats and dogs in Springfield? I haven’t seen the space ships myself but that’s only because they fly faster than Maverick in Top Gun and use cloaking devices. Our alian defense systems are not working and that’s because they weren’t even plugged in and you can thank Kamala Biden Walz Obama Harris for that. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what percent of your rallies are incoherent ramblings and what percent are downright racist lies? It’s a question I hear a lot and a big shout out to the Pope for asking. I speak to Pope John Paul quite a lot. Not every decade but every 10 years. I was talking to him last week about popey things like hatred, religion and hatred of religion and he endorsed me. He didn’t endorse Kamala Biden Walz Obama Clinton Harris so go to hell, Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift lost a brand contract worth $125 million after not endorsing me. It’s true. I read it on a website called Facebook on a page that calls itself humorous and satirical, whatever that means. ROAAAAAAR. November 5th is a special day. November 5th is National Vote for Trump Day. If you vote for me on National Vote for Trump Day, you get a choice of 100,000 Trump Media & Technology Group Corp shares or a recycled tooth brush. If you do not donate to my campaign, there might be some plaque on the tooth brush. No people ask me, they don’t say, sir, are you even aware that you are incapable of not lying? It’s not true. I am very capable of not lying but I prefer to leave that stuff to Kamala Biden Walz Obama Clinton Carter Harris. ROAAAAAAR. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, would you look more like a real president if you owned the Millennium Falcon and your VP pick was a Wookie? I’m not a Star Trek fan so I don’t understand the question though I do like the cylawns. Thank you very much. Orange is the new black. ROAAAAAAR”.

To be cont…